Yes, this blog is to vent out my frustrations and what is going on. I have every right to feel how I want to feel. Some may think I'm having a pity party, guess what I don't care. I am upset yes, but I am not feeling bad for myself. Yes, I have thoughts to end my life, but if I was going to I would have done it already. The fact is that the ONLY reason, I am alive is becuase of my son. People can hurt me and knock me down all they want, but at the end of the day, my little boy loves me and treats me better than any man has.
NEVER tell me to forget the past and get over it. You will not win that fight. Best way to piss me off. I will NOT forget about it! It is the past, and I live with it everyday. Not by choice by how I am still affected by it. You will NEVER get it, so don't tell me I need to move on. You haven't been where I am, in my shoes.
Yesterday was very challenging and if you stop for a second and listened you would have realized I wasn't pittying myself....
This is a message to someone who I don't speak to. I'm sure you will read it here. I know you still read these things. I worte this a week or so ago, maybe more I don't remember.
To everyone else thnaks for reading, if you chose to read this.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
The full report of the Neuropsychological evaluation
Neuropsychological evaluation, if don't know what this is here is a link to help you understand. http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/317596-overview
A lot of it I don't understand, so I'll pick out what I can. I'll break it up how they do and summerize what they said. (Pretty much leave out my information and full name) They talk about composite scores, but I have no idea what that means.
TESTING RESULTS
Neurocognative Testing
WTAR to estimate Pre-morbid intellectual ability. Average range. Her predicted sore of 105 is also in avg range. It can be estimated with 95% confidence that her pre-morbid intellectual abilities would be int he avg to superior range. Also given a WAIS-IV TO assess cognitive functioning.
She obtained a Full Scale and Verbal Comprehension score is in the low avg range. Her somewhat Perceptual Reasoning score is somewhat higher in the avg range. Her borderline Working Memory score suggests she will have moderate to severe difficulty with manipulating information. Her low avg Processing Speed Score suggests she will have mild to moderate difficulty processing new information quickly. She demonstrated a weakness in numeral reasoning and speed of numeral manipulation.
Also administered the WMS-IV to estimate her current general memory abilities.
Her Immediate Memory score is somewhat lower than avg Delayed Memory score suggests she is better at retrieving learned information after short periods of time has lapsed than with greater a greater delay. Will demonstrate some difficulty retrieving learned information presented both verbally and visually as these scores are in the low avg range. She should have less difficulty with temp storing and manipulation visually presented information as this score is in the avg range.
The R-BANS was administered to measure basic neuropsyhological functions of attention, language, visual-spatial and constructional abilities and Immediate and delayed memory.
Her low avg Immediate Memory and avg Delayed Memory scores are fairly consistent with her WMS-IV scores. She will have moderate to severe difficulty with attending to tasks for long periods of time and will likely need to have information broken down to her in short segments in order for her to be able to focus and remember the information over a longer period of time. Her somatic ability is in the borderline range. As her Visual-Spatial/Constructive score is in the low avg range, she was better at completing non-verbal spatial relational tasks then verbal retrieved learned information.
Was administered the D-KEFS to examine her executive functioning. Executive functions refer to higher-order cognitive skills that direct or organize thinking.
Trail Making Test
The trail Making test, scored in the impaired to avg ranger. She demonstrated the most difficulty with visually scanning information quickly. Her ability to sequence numbers and letters independently are avg. Her motor speed was also avg. As the task became more difficult, her scores declined as she was unable to process complex information quickly.
Verbal Fluency Test
Verbal Fluency test, scores are i the low avg to avg range. Demonstrates most difficulty naming words that began with the same letter. Her scores improved as the tasks became more difficult. She was able to name words within the same category and switch between categories accurately. Overall, she exhibited more cognitive flexibility in a language task. In spite of this, she still preformed slowly making sure she did not make any repetition or loss of set errors.
Color Word Interference Test
Scores are in the significantly impaired range. <-----Can't be the best at everything. She worked slowly throughout this task. She demonstrated slow processing speed and difficulty with inhibition. She appeared to be focused on avoiding errors despite her instruction to work quickly on the task.
Administered the RCFT to further evaluate her visual-spatial/Constructional abilities and visual memory. She obtained a normal copy score with some minor difficulty with attention to fine detail. After a short delay, she was asked to draw the figure from memory. Her score significantly declined, reflecting moderate impairment. Her impaired scores suggest difficulty retaining spatial information over long periods of time.
Was administered the WRAT-IV to assess her achievement skills.
This portion of this assessment tends to be more resistant to the effects of head injury. She demonstrated the greatest difficulty with Math Computation. Her Math Computation score is consistent with her WIAS-IV Arithmetic score suggesting weakness in the arithmetic area.
Social-Emotional Testing
Administered the MMIPI-2 to assess her emotional functioning. Her validity scales reflect an invalid profile due to over reporting of negative symptoms. It is likely she is over reporting, not as motivation of secondary gain, or attention, but likely as a "plea for help." <---Sad, but true.
DIAGNOSTIC IMPRESSIONS
Meet the following DSM-IV-TR classification:
Axis 1: Major Depression Disorder. Recurrent, Severe without Psychotic features. <----See not crazy
Posttramatic Stress Disorder
Cognitive Disorder NOS
Mathematics Disorder
Axis 2: Borderline Intellectual Functioning
Borderline Features
Axis 3: Social, Educational, and Occupational
Axis 4: GAF=53 (Global Assessment of Functioning. The GAF is a scale from 0 to 100 where higher scores indicate greater levels of functioning. Optimal mental health and coping capabilities are represented by scores in the 91 - 100 range.
Persons with mild psychological problems fall in the 71 - 90 range. <---I seem to be the moderate if there is one, in between two---> Severe problems fall in the 21 - 30 range and 1 - 10 is reserved for persistently suicidal persons or persons incapable of meeting even minimal personal hygiene standards.
Cognitively, she is exhibiting deficits (falls short) associated with the frontal lobe region, short term memory, language , mental flexibility. She can only concentrate for short periods of time. Her current level appears to be lower that her pre-morbid intellectual abilities. While she is capable of learning information, it will take her longer than the avg person.
She has difficulty storing information but once she is able to learn information she is more likely than not capable of retrieving that information more easily. She appears to be easily overwhelmed and tends to process information very slowly. Tasks that require complex thinking or shifting between cognitive sets will be extremely difficult for her to do easily. Attendance to detail should not be done quickly as she will likely become emotionally reactive.
I looked up emotionally reactive because I didn't get it. Here is what I found:
In personality psychology, one dimension typically measured is called neuroticism emotional stability or emotional reactivity/emotional stability. People high on neuroticism tend to be more likely to develop many kinds of psychiatric disorders including: anxiety disorders, panic disorders, phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depressive disorders, body image and personal identity disorders, and several different personality disorders (particularly borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder). Essentially, people high on neuroticism have predisposition to have strong reactions to stress.
Here is my mind, emotions, and everything all out there. Hopefully some will understand me more. Some won't....Who cares. I want to talk more about this in another Post. Thank you for everyone who is reading. Thanks for the support.
A lot of it I don't understand, so I'll pick out what I can. I'll break it up how they do and summerize what they said. (Pretty much leave out my information and full name) They talk about composite scores, but I have no idea what that means.
TESTING RESULTS
Neurocognative Testing
WTAR to estimate Pre-morbid intellectual ability. Average range. Her predicted sore of 105 is also in avg range. It can be estimated with 95% confidence that her pre-morbid intellectual abilities would be int he avg to superior range. Also given a WAIS-IV TO assess cognitive functioning.
She obtained a Full Scale and Verbal Comprehension score is in the low avg range. Her somewhat Perceptual Reasoning score is somewhat higher in the avg range. Her borderline Working Memory score suggests she will have moderate to severe difficulty with manipulating information. Her low avg Processing Speed Score suggests she will have mild to moderate difficulty processing new information quickly. She demonstrated a weakness in numeral reasoning and speed of numeral manipulation.
Also administered the WMS-IV to estimate her current general memory abilities.
Her Immediate Memory score is somewhat lower than avg Delayed Memory score suggests she is better at retrieving learned information after short periods of time has lapsed than with greater a greater delay. Will demonstrate some difficulty retrieving learned information presented both verbally and visually as these scores are in the low avg range. She should have less difficulty with temp storing and manipulation visually presented information as this score is in the avg range.
The R-BANS was administered to measure basic neuropsyhological functions of attention, language, visual-spatial and constructional abilities and Immediate and delayed memory.
Her low avg Immediate Memory and avg Delayed Memory scores are fairly consistent with her WMS-IV scores. She will have moderate to severe difficulty with attending to tasks for long periods of time and will likely need to have information broken down to her in short segments in order for her to be able to focus and remember the information over a longer period of time. Her somatic ability is in the borderline range. As her Visual-Spatial/Constructive score is in the low avg range, she was better at completing non-verbal spatial relational tasks then verbal retrieved learned information.
Was administered the D-KEFS to examine her executive functioning. Executive functions refer to higher-order cognitive skills that direct or organize thinking.
Trail Making Test
The trail Making test, scored in the impaired to avg ranger. She demonstrated the most difficulty with visually scanning information quickly. Her ability to sequence numbers and letters independently are avg. Her motor speed was also avg. As the task became more difficult, her scores declined as she was unable to process complex information quickly.
Verbal Fluency Test
Verbal Fluency test, scores are i the low avg to avg range. Demonstrates most difficulty naming words that began with the same letter. Her scores improved as the tasks became more difficult. She was able to name words within the same category and switch between categories accurately. Overall, she exhibited more cognitive flexibility in a language task. In spite of this, she still preformed slowly making sure she did not make any repetition or loss of set errors.
Color Word Interference Test
Scores are in the significantly impaired range. <-----Can't be the best at everything. She worked slowly throughout this task. She demonstrated slow processing speed and difficulty with inhibition. She appeared to be focused on avoiding errors despite her instruction to work quickly on the task.
Administered the RCFT to further evaluate her visual-spatial/Constructional abilities and visual memory. She obtained a normal copy score with some minor difficulty with attention to fine detail. After a short delay, she was asked to draw the figure from memory. Her score significantly declined, reflecting moderate impairment. Her impaired scores suggest difficulty retaining spatial information over long periods of time.
Was administered the WRAT-IV to assess her achievement skills.
This portion of this assessment tends to be more resistant to the effects of head injury. She demonstrated the greatest difficulty with Math Computation. Her Math Computation score is consistent with her WIAS-IV Arithmetic score suggesting weakness in the arithmetic area.
Social-Emotional Testing
Administered the MMIPI-2 to assess her emotional functioning. Her validity scales reflect an invalid profile due to over reporting of negative symptoms. It is likely she is over reporting, not as motivation of secondary gain, or attention, but likely as a "plea for help." <---Sad, but true.
DIAGNOSTIC IMPRESSIONS
Meet the following DSM-IV-TR classification:
Axis 1: Major Depression Disorder. Recurrent, Severe without Psychotic features. <----See not crazy
Posttramatic Stress Disorder
Cognitive Disorder NOS
Mathematics Disorder
Axis 2: Borderline Intellectual Functioning
Borderline Features
Axis 3: Social, Educational, and Occupational
Axis 4: GAF=53 (Global Assessment of Functioning. The GAF is a scale from 0 to 100 where higher scores indicate greater levels of functioning. Optimal mental health and coping capabilities are represented by scores in the 91 - 100 range.
Persons with mild psychological problems fall in the 71 - 90 range. <---I seem to be the moderate if there is one, in between two---> Severe problems fall in the 21 - 30 range and 1 - 10 is reserved for persistently suicidal persons or persons incapable of meeting even minimal personal hygiene standards.
Cognitively, she is exhibiting deficits (falls short) associated with the frontal lobe region, short term memory, language , mental flexibility. She can only concentrate for short periods of time. Her current level appears to be lower that her pre-morbid intellectual abilities. While she is capable of learning information, it will take her longer than the avg person.
She has difficulty storing information but once she is able to learn information she is more likely than not capable of retrieving that information more easily. She appears to be easily overwhelmed and tends to process information very slowly. Tasks that require complex thinking or shifting between cognitive sets will be extremely difficult for her to do easily. Attendance to detail should not be done quickly as she will likely become emotionally reactive.
I looked up emotionally reactive because I didn't get it. Here is what I found:
In personality psychology, one dimension typically measured is called neuroticism emotional stability or emotional reactivity/emotional stability. People high on neuroticism tend to be more likely to develop many kinds of psychiatric disorders including: anxiety disorders, panic disorders, phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depressive disorders, body image and personal identity disorders, and several different personality disorders (particularly borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder). Essentially, people high on neuroticism have predisposition to have strong reactions to stress.
Here is my mind, emotions, and everything all out there. Hopefully some will understand me more. Some won't....Who cares. I want to talk more about this in another Post. Thank you for everyone who is reading. Thanks for the support.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Why am I so afraid to succeed? Why can't I see my worth?
"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -Thomas Edison
"Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." - Mahatma Gandhi
I realized I haven't posted any details or much of anything for about a week or more. I know its important to explain how everything happened, but at this point I opened wounds I never even knew I had. I keep saying this over and over and its very true. These things are VERY HARD to share. I need a break, from past at least.
For now on I will be trying to get a blog in every other day about how I'm dealing with everything on a daily basis. I some might think this is easy and it wouldn't bother them. Well, we all deal with things differently. I will come back to some of the past, but small amounts. I have been writing, but haven't published at least 4 posts. I will be sure to get those out as well.
To my readers: Thank you so much for the support, it helps a lot, more then I can say. Having about 200 hits a day was so great and made me so excited to see that, that many people read and I'm reaching out to many in some sort of way. More than I ever thought.
The shitty part about this sickness that I live in, doesn't want me to succeed. I tend to fall back into this cycle where I for some reason don't think I have any self worth. I realized I have lost myself, self esteem, and self worth long ago. This was around the coma and I'd say through the past four years. I have iscolated my self and told myself I wasn't good enough for anything. I have let these mental illness's take over eveything in my life. I have let these "differences" DEFINE who I am and I can't seem to see how anyone is going to love me when I hate myself or when "I'm different". Let's face it I am very emotional and omplex with everything and most don't want to deal with it. I have let everyone's thoughts or feelings about me or about me physcially take over how I see myself in the mirror. At times I'd say I think I am pretty. Other times I look in the mirror and wish I wasn't pretty, but was whatever nrmal was. Not me. I'd rather be not so good looking, with an amazing personality, then me. Sounds odd I'm sure.
I'm here partly because I hate and despise myself too much. I'm here the other half because I have lived through too much and can't handle anymore of it. It haunts me. I want to scream everyday at the top of my lungs. Yeah I am my worst enemy, we know that, but there are other things going on.
Anyways, With the 200 hits a day I freaked out and isolated again.... It's like, I get it all out and I'm making a change and people are inspired with me, and I drop it all. Its a pattern I have realized. Something tramatic happens or the PTSD kicks in. I'll explain in a post soon. I will try not to do this, but if I do...I will try not to be gone for so long.
Thanks again for reading. Well, Spellcheck isn't working so bare with me. Again feel free to comment.
"Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." - Mahatma Gandhi
I realized I haven't posted any details or much of anything for about a week or more. I know its important to explain how everything happened, but at this point I opened wounds I never even knew I had. I keep saying this over and over and its very true. These things are VERY HARD to share. I need a break, from past at least. For now on I will be trying to get a blog in every other day about how I'm dealing with everything on a daily basis. I some might think this is easy and it wouldn't bother them. Well, we all deal with things differently. I will come back to some of the past, but small amounts. I have been writing, but haven't published at least 4 posts. I will be sure to get those out as well.
To my readers: Thank you so much for the support, it helps a lot, more then I can say. Having about 200 hits a day was so great and made me so excited to see that, that many people read and I'm reaching out to many in some sort of way. More than I ever thought.
The shitty part about this sickness that I live in, doesn't want me to succeed. I tend to fall back into this cycle where I for some reason don't think I have any self worth. I realized I have lost myself, self esteem, and self worth long ago. This was around the coma and I'd say through the past four years. I have iscolated my self and told myself I wasn't good enough for anything. I have let these mental illness's take over eveything in my life. I have let these "differences" DEFINE who I am and I can't seem to see how anyone is going to love me when I hate myself or when "I'm different". Let's face it I am very emotional and omplex with everything and most don't want to deal with it. I have let everyone's thoughts or feelings about me or about me physcially take over how I see myself in the mirror. At times I'd say I think I am pretty. Other times I look in the mirror and wish I wasn't pretty, but was whatever nrmal was. Not me. I'd rather be not so good looking, with an amazing personality, then me. Sounds odd I'm sure.
I'm here partly because I hate and despise myself too much. I'm here the other half because I have lived through too much and can't handle anymore of it. It haunts me. I want to scream everyday at the top of my lungs. Yeah I am my worst enemy, we know that, but there are other things going on.
Anyways, With the 200 hits a day I freaked out and isolated again.... It's like, I get it all out and I'm making a change and people are inspired with me, and I drop it all. Its a pattern I have realized. Something tramatic happens or the PTSD kicks in. I'll explain in a post soon. I will try not to do this, but if I do...I will try not to be gone for so long.
Thanks again for reading. Well, Spellcheck isn't working so bare with me. Again feel free to comment.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
It's never easy.....love
CHRISTINA PERRI LYRICS
"Distance"
The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love
And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?
And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you understand
And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?
And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To save what we have
So I'll make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?
Make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long til we call this love, love, love?
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Part 6 - Physical therapy
Physical therapy was umm awesome, well not really, but it is for a good reason. So at this point...I had a "special visitor," a CPS worker and she is ready to take my baby that is a few months old at this point. I have been awake for a few weeks now and she thinks I am mentally incompetent of caring for my own child. Well, I freaked out like any mother would. I was pretty upset by that fact she would just walk in after someone has gone through so much and demand a child. Thankfully enough I had a very good friend and her mother who was willing to take my son and have temporary custody. I signed my rights over to my friend and her mother. They brought Sage up to the ICU to visit me as much as they could.
You see my friend was a full time mother of 1 already, working, and going to school. She definitely already had a full plate. Her love for us was, _______. Well, words cannot express how I feel. <3 Where was my family? Well, my mother was still crazy. My Dad, (my uncle that loved me like a dad) was too old. My twin tried to take him for 1 weekend, after one night, she called my good friend crying to get him because she couldn't handle it. All the other family members? who knows? It seemed as if some people only cared about me being on my death bed and not the after mess to help clean up. Yes, some of you did buy my clothes because I didn't have the money and Thank you again! In my defense how would I have money if I was in a coma for 2 months and unable to hold my own head up? Moving on.....
So baby Sage was healthy, happy, and safe. I would say at this point he was about 3 months. Me on the other hand...I was relearning everything. I started trying to eat liquids and calorie counting. My appetite was horrible, I was never hungry, but so excited to get the feeding tube out. The trade off was to eat more since I had no feeding tube. I hated how food made me feel. I was always sick and shaking. Sometimes I felt like a kid, crying because I was being told to eat my veggies by the nurses. At some points I refused to the point that they would have this male nurse( who I thought was so mean) come in and sit across from me and say over and over, "you need to eat your veggies." It got pretty annoying. Sometimes I would cry and eat a arrot or other times i'd fight with him and scream at him. Not my best side, but these things seem liek a big deal when your trying to recover.
Some funny times is when I was asked, "What would I want, any food?" I wanted a Krispy Kreme and a burger from, Thrifty Scottsman. I was so excited the morning when someone had brought in 2 Krispy Kreme donuts for me to finally eat again. I was expecting it to be so good, I barley even chewed it and in about 5 mins as it hit my stomach I was puking. I continued puking for the rest of the day. It didn't taste good either. Tasted like melted fat on bread. I have never eaten a Krispy Kreme to this day and won't. Maybe I have but I don't remember and the thought of one disgusts me. Oh I did get a burger, but sadly I never ate it because I dropped it on the floor and couldn't get it because I'd hit the floor. By the time a nurse came in, it was considered trash because it fell on the floor while it was wrapped. Oh well....
Another is when I started eating liquids, jello was considered a liquid. Again I was very excited to eat it. I had the shakes so bad everytime I'd get it on my fork it would jiggle and shake off. At first it was very annoying, but I managed a few. The nurses didn't help because I had to learn how to feed myself again. It was hours of trying to eat this damn jello. I then started to get very tired. (At this point I still couldn't hold myself up) I went to get the call button and dropped it. At this point my face was now on my knees and I was crying. The nurse came in after 45mins, apologizing. I told her, "I just want to go to bed." So she helped me back to bed and gave me a bite of my jello. I had used too much energy for the jello, I had to get some rest. Which was normal, even 10min long conversations would tired me.
This is all for now. Thank you for your support everyone. Feel free to ask any questions that you might think of. I will have another written tonight or tomorrow hopefully.
You see my friend was a full time mother of 1 already, working, and going to school. She definitely already had a full plate. Her love for us was, _______. Well, words cannot express how I feel. <3 Where was my family? Well, my mother was still crazy. My Dad, (my uncle that loved me like a dad) was too old. My twin tried to take him for 1 weekend, after one night, she called my good friend crying to get him because she couldn't handle it. All the other family members? who knows? It seemed as if some people only cared about me being on my death bed and not the after mess to help clean up. Yes, some of you did buy my clothes because I didn't have the money and Thank you again! In my defense how would I have money if I was in a coma for 2 months and unable to hold my own head up? Moving on.....
So baby Sage was healthy, happy, and safe. I would say at this point he was about 3 months. Me on the other hand...I was relearning everything. I started trying to eat liquids and calorie counting. My appetite was horrible, I was never hungry, but so excited to get the feeding tube out. The trade off was to eat more since I had no feeding tube. I hated how food made me feel. I was always sick and shaking. Sometimes I felt like a kid, crying because I was being told to eat my veggies by the nurses. At some points I refused to the point that they would have this male nurse( who I thought was so mean) come in and sit across from me and say over and over, "you need to eat your veggies." It got pretty annoying. Sometimes I would cry and eat a arrot or other times i'd fight with him and scream at him. Not my best side, but these things seem liek a big deal when your trying to recover.
Some funny times is when I was asked, "What would I want, any food?" I wanted a Krispy Kreme and a burger from, Thrifty Scottsman. I was so excited the morning when someone had brought in 2 Krispy Kreme donuts for me to finally eat again. I was expecting it to be so good, I barley even chewed it and in about 5 mins as it hit my stomach I was puking. I continued puking for the rest of the day. It didn't taste good either. Tasted like melted fat on bread. I have never eaten a Krispy Kreme to this day and won't. Maybe I have but I don't remember and the thought of one disgusts me. Oh I did get a burger, but sadly I never ate it because I dropped it on the floor and couldn't get it because I'd hit the floor. By the time a nurse came in, it was considered trash because it fell on the floor while it was wrapped. Oh well....
Another is when I started eating liquids, jello was considered a liquid. Again I was very excited to eat it. I had the shakes so bad everytime I'd get it on my fork it would jiggle and shake off. At first it was very annoying, but I managed a few. The nurses didn't help because I had to learn how to feed myself again. It was hours of trying to eat this damn jello. I then started to get very tired. (At this point I still couldn't hold myself up) I went to get the call button and dropped it. At this point my face was now on my knees and I was crying. The nurse came in after 45mins, apologizing. I told her, "I just want to go to bed." So she helped me back to bed and gave me a bite of my jello. I had used too much energy for the jello, I had to get some rest. Which was normal, even 10min long conversations would tired me.
This is all for now. Thank you for your support everyone. Feel free to ask any questions that you might think of. I will have another written tonight or tomorrow hopefully.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
No matter how hard I try...
No matter how hard to try...
It seems like this hell I live in called "life" just never ends.
I am so sick of thinking about seeing red and ending it all. It is a daily struggle to change these thoughts. The meds are kinda working. I am getting sick to my stomach, headaches, irritable, and my moods swing fast one way or another.
I am sooo sick of my heart feeling broken like this.
I am so sick of the constant nightmares of someone trying to kill me, suffocating, or just fear or something dark.
I don't know how much longer I can handle these things. They are fucking me up!
One person YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! I hate how you act so disgustingly distant! I hate how you have a piece of my heart. I need to end this madness of being upset and crying over you. Its disgusting, you don't cry over me or care. Never using YOUR TIME WISELY LIKE YOU HAD PROMISED LONG TIME AGO.... empty promises. :(
It seems like this hell I live in called "life" just never ends.
I am so sick of thinking about seeing red and ending it all. It is a daily struggle to change these thoughts. The meds are kinda working. I am getting sick to my stomach, headaches, irritable, and my moods swing fast one way or another.
I am sooo sick of my heart feeling broken like this.
I am so sick of the constant nightmares of someone trying to kill me, suffocating, or just fear or something dark.
I don't know how much longer I can handle these things. They are fucking me up!
One person YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! I hate how you act so disgustingly distant! I hate how you have a piece of my heart. I need to end this madness of being upset and crying over you. Its disgusting, you don't cry over me or care. Never using YOUR TIME WISELY LIKE YOU HAD PROMISED LONG TIME AGO.... empty promises. :(
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