Why am I so afraid to succeed? Why can't I see my worth?

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -Thomas Edison

"Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." - Mahatma Gandhi



I realized I haven't posted any details or much of anything for about a week or more.  I know its important to explain how everything happened, but at this point I opened wounds I never even knew I had.  I keep saying this over and over and its very true.  These things are VERY HARD to share.  I need a break, from past at least. 

For now on I will be trying to get a blog in every other day about how I'm dealing with everything on a daily basis.  I some might think this is easy and it wouldn't bother them.  Well, we all deal with things differently.  I will come back to some of the past, but small amounts.  I have been writing, but haven't published at least 4 posts.  I will be sure to get those out as well.

To my readers:  Thank you so much for the support, it helps a lot, more then I can say.  Having about 200 hits a day was so great and made me so excited to see that, that many people read and I'm reaching out to many in some sort of way.  More than I ever thought.

The shitty part about this sickness that I live in, doesn't want me to succeed.  I tend to fall back into this cycle where I for some reason don't think I have any self worth.  I realized I have lost myself, self esteem, and self worth long ago.  This was around the coma and I'd say through the past four years. I have iscolated my self and told myself I wasn't good enough for anything.  I have let these mental illness's take over eveything in my life.  I have let these "differences" DEFINE who I am and I can't seem to see how anyone is going to love me when I hate myself or when "I'm different".    Let's face it I am very emotional and omplex with everything and most don't want to deal with it.  I have let everyone's thoughts or feelings about me or about me physcially take over how I see myself in the mirror.  At times I'd say I think I am pretty.  Other times I look in the mirror and wish I wasn't pretty, but was whatever nrmal was.  Not me.  I'd rather be not so good looking, with an amazing personality, then me.  Sounds odd I'm sure.   

I'm here partly because I hate and despise myself too much.  I'm here the other half because I have lived through too much and can't handle anymore of it.  It haunts me.  I want to scream everyday at the top of my lungs.  Yeah I am my worst enemy, we know that, but there are other things going on. 

Anyways, With the 200 hits a day I freaked out and isolated again....  It's like, I get it all out and I'm making a change and people are inspired with me, and I drop it all.  Its a pattern I have realized.  Something tramatic happens or the PTSD kicks in.  I'll explain in a post soon.  I will try not to do this, but if I do...I will try not to be gone for so long. 

Thanks again for reading.  Well, Spellcheck isn't working so bare with me.  Again feel free to comment.