Thursday, May 3, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Time has passed.
So it has been forever since I have wrote here.
Biggest issue had to save money so no internet. I can try and do one at least once a week. This week might be special because I will be around internet.
UPDATE on life.
I stopped talking that horrible med called wellbutrin. Great for not smoking, but horrible for the brain. It was very hard for me to function and deal with life with that crap in my system. Every hour, every minute, every second of the day was thinking and contemplating how I was going to kill myself. Horrible I know. Part of me was screaming out for anyone and everyone to help me deal with this. I know the thoughts weren't even normal. As soon as that stuff was out of my system all horrible thoughts were gone.
So I was put on Citalopram, formally known as Celexa. Some things say its a anti-depressant, but is also used for anxiety disorder, and posttraumatic stress disorder. It is taken with Buspar, is used to treat anxiety disorders. So with the two together, it helps well with my functioning. I still have my off days, but who doesn't?
Thanks for reading again.
Biggest issue had to save money so no internet. I can try and do one at least once a week. This week might be special because I will be around internet.
UPDATE on life.
I stopped talking that horrible med called wellbutrin. Great for not smoking, but horrible for the brain. It was very hard for me to function and deal with life with that crap in my system. Every hour, every minute, every second of the day was thinking and contemplating how I was going to kill myself. Horrible I know. Part of me was screaming out for anyone and everyone to help me deal with this. I know the thoughts weren't even normal. As soon as that stuff was out of my system all horrible thoughts were gone.
So I was put on Citalopram, formally known as Celexa. Some things say its a anti-depressant, but is also used for anxiety disorder, and posttraumatic stress disorder. It is taken with Buspar, is used to treat anxiety disorders. So with the two together, it helps well with my functioning. I still have my off days, but who doesn't?
Thanks for reading again.
Awareness about PTSD-
This pretty much explains why I do what I do. Me to a T. This information I'm getting from http://helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm
After a traumatic experience, it’s normal to feel frightened, sad, anxious, and disconnected. Usually, with time, the upset fades and you start to enjoy life again. But sometimes the trauma is so overwhelming that you find that you can’t move on. You feel stuck with a constant sense of danger and painful memories that don’t fade.
If you went through a traumatic experience and are having trouble getting back to your regular life, reconnecting to others, and feeling safe again, you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). With PTSD, it can seem like you’ll never get over what happened or feel normal again.
What is PTSD?
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop following a traumatic event that threatens your safety or makes you feel helpless.
Most people associate PTSD with battle-scarred soldiers—and military combat is the most common cause in men—but any overwhelming life experience can trigger PTSD, especially if the event feels unpredictable and uncontrollable.
PTSD can affect those who personally experience the catastrophe, those who witness it, and those who pick up the pieces afterwards.
PTSD develops differently from person to person. While the symptoms of PTSD most commonly develop in the hours or days following the traumatic event, it can sometimes take weeks, months, or even years before they appear.
I feel that this is what has happened, not to blame everything, but seems to be a mixture of things. Little situations and things. After time I have become Emotionally Reactive.
I would say most of my nightmares to this day is associated with this. I have realized I have been to counseling for almost 3 years and nothing has changed. Its because I keep re-living the trauma and my issues are reoccurring every time something "tramatic" happens.
UPDATE: I have now had a med change. The wellbutrin was messing with my head so much. It was making me think horrible thoughts of red, blood, and slitting my wrists. It gave me horrible headaches, hot flashes, made me angry, irritable and I felt like it helped a little bit, but something else was wrong. I always was in panic mode.
After a traumatic experience, it’s normal to feel frightened, sad, anxious, and disconnected. Usually, with time, the upset fades and you start to enjoy life again. But sometimes the trauma is so overwhelming that you find that you can’t move on. You feel stuck with a constant sense of danger and painful memories that don’t fade.
If you went through a traumatic experience and are having trouble getting back to your regular life, reconnecting to others, and feeling safe again, you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). With PTSD, it can seem like you’ll never get over what happened or feel normal again.
What is PTSD?
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop following a traumatic event that threatens your safety or makes you feel helpless.
Most people associate PTSD with battle-scarred soldiers—and military combat is the most common cause in men—but any overwhelming life experience can trigger PTSD, especially if the event feels unpredictable and uncontrollable.
PTSD can affect those who personally experience the catastrophe, those who witness it, and those who pick up the pieces afterwards.
PTSD develops differently from person to person. While the symptoms of PTSD most commonly develop in the hours or days following the traumatic event, it can sometimes take weeks, months, or even years before they appear.
I feel that this is what has happened, not to blame everything, but seems to be a mixture of things. Little situations and things. After time I have become Emotionally Reactive.
I would say most of my nightmares to this day is associated with this. I have realized I have been to counseling for almost 3 years and nothing has changed. Its because I keep re-living the trauma and my issues are reoccurring every time something "tramatic" happens.
UPDATE: I have now had a med change. The wellbutrin was messing with my head so much. It was making me think horrible thoughts of red, blood, and slitting my wrists. It gave me horrible headaches, hot flashes, made me angry, irritable and I felt like it helped a little bit, but something else was wrong. I always was in panic mode.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Some random Rant about someone, Yeah YOU.
Yes, this blog is to vent out my frustrations and what is going on. I have every right to feel how I want to feel. Some may think I'm having a pity party, guess what I don't care. I am upset yes, but I am not feeling bad for myself. Yes, I have thoughts to end my life, but if I was going to I would have done it already. The fact is that the ONLY reason, I am alive is becuase of my son. People can hurt me and knock me down all they want, but at the end of the day, my little boy loves me and treats me better than any man has.
NEVER tell me to forget the past and get over it. You will not win that fight. Best way to piss me off. I will NOT forget about it! It is the past, and I live with it everyday. Not by choice by how I am still affected by it. You will NEVER get it, so don't tell me I need to move on. You haven't been where I am, in my shoes.
Yesterday was very challenging and if you stop for a second and listened you would have realized I wasn't pittying myself....
This is a message to someone who I don't speak to. I'm sure you will read it here. I know you still read these things. I worte this a week or so ago, maybe more I don't remember.
To everyone else thnaks for reading, if you chose to read this.
NEVER tell me to forget the past and get over it. You will not win that fight. Best way to piss me off. I will NOT forget about it! It is the past, and I live with it everyday. Not by choice by how I am still affected by it. You will NEVER get it, so don't tell me I need to move on. You haven't been where I am, in my shoes.
Yesterday was very challenging and if you stop for a second and listened you would have realized I wasn't pittying myself....
This is a message to someone who I don't speak to. I'm sure you will read it here. I know you still read these things. I worte this a week or so ago, maybe more I don't remember.
To everyone else thnaks for reading, if you chose to read this.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
The full report of the Neuropsychological evaluation
Neuropsychological evaluation, if don't know what this is here is a link to help you understand. http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/317596-overview
A lot of it I don't understand, so I'll pick out what I can. I'll break it up how they do and summerize what they said. (Pretty much leave out my information and full name) They talk about composite scores, but I have no idea what that means.
TESTING RESULTS
Neurocognative Testing
WTAR to estimate Pre-morbid intellectual ability. Average range. Her predicted sore of 105 is also in avg range. It can be estimated with 95% confidence that her pre-morbid intellectual abilities would be int he avg to superior range. Also given a WAIS-IV TO assess cognitive functioning.
She obtained a Full Scale and Verbal Comprehension score is in the low avg range. Her somewhat Perceptual Reasoning score is somewhat higher in the avg range. Her borderline Working Memory score suggests she will have moderate to severe difficulty with manipulating information. Her low avg Processing Speed Score suggests she will have mild to moderate difficulty processing new information quickly. She demonstrated a weakness in numeral reasoning and speed of numeral manipulation.
Also administered the WMS-IV to estimate her current general memory abilities.
Her Immediate Memory score is somewhat lower than avg Delayed Memory score suggests she is better at retrieving learned information after short periods of time has lapsed than with greater a greater delay. Will demonstrate some difficulty retrieving learned information presented both verbally and visually as these scores are in the low avg range. She should have less difficulty with temp storing and manipulation visually presented information as this score is in the avg range.
The R-BANS was administered to measure basic neuropsyhological functions of attention, language, visual-spatial and constructional abilities and Immediate and delayed memory.
Her low avg Immediate Memory and avg Delayed Memory scores are fairly consistent with her WMS-IV scores. She will have moderate to severe difficulty with attending to tasks for long periods of time and will likely need to have information broken down to her in short segments in order for her to be able to focus and remember the information over a longer period of time. Her somatic ability is in the borderline range. As her Visual-Spatial/Constructive score is in the low avg range, she was better at completing non-verbal spatial relational tasks then verbal retrieved learned information.
Was administered the D-KEFS to examine her executive functioning. Executive functions refer to higher-order cognitive skills that direct or organize thinking.
Trail Making Test
The trail Making test, scored in the impaired to avg ranger. She demonstrated the most difficulty with visually scanning information quickly. Her ability to sequence numbers and letters independently are avg. Her motor speed was also avg. As the task became more difficult, her scores declined as she was unable to process complex information quickly.
Verbal Fluency Test
Verbal Fluency test, scores are i the low avg to avg range. Demonstrates most difficulty naming words that began with the same letter. Her scores improved as the tasks became more difficult. She was able to name words within the same category and switch between categories accurately. Overall, she exhibited more cognitive flexibility in a language task. In spite of this, she still preformed slowly making sure she did not make any repetition or loss of set errors.
Color Word Interference Test
Scores are in the significantly impaired range. <-----Can't be the best at everything. She worked slowly throughout this task. She demonstrated slow processing speed and difficulty with inhibition. She appeared to be focused on avoiding errors despite her instruction to work quickly on the task.
Administered the RCFT to further evaluate her visual-spatial/Constructional abilities and visual memory. She obtained a normal copy score with some minor difficulty with attention to fine detail. After a short delay, she was asked to draw the figure from memory. Her score significantly declined, reflecting moderate impairment. Her impaired scores suggest difficulty retaining spatial information over long periods of time.
Was administered the WRAT-IV to assess her achievement skills.
This portion of this assessment tends to be more resistant to the effects of head injury. She demonstrated the greatest difficulty with Math Computation. Her Math Computation score is consistent with her WIAS-IV Arithmetic score suggesting weakness in the arithmetic area.
Social-Emotional Testing
Administered the MMIPI-2 to assess her emotional functioning. Her validity scales reflect an invalid profile due to over reporting of negative symptoms. It is likely she is over reporting, not as motivation of secondary gain, or attention, but likely as a "plea for help." <---Sad, but true.
DIAGNOSTIC IMPRESSIONS
Meet the following DSM-IV-TR classification:
Axis 1: Major Depression Disorder. Recurrent, Severe without Psychotic features. <----See not crazy
Posttramatic Stress Disorder
Cognitive Disorder NOS
Mathematics Disorder
Axis 2: Borderline Intellectual Functioning
Borderline Features
Axis 3: Social, Educational, and Occupational
Axis 4: GAF=53 (Global Assessment of Functioning. The GAF is a scale from 0 to 100 where higher scores indicate greater levels of functioning. Optimal mental health and coping capabilities are represented by scores in the 91 - 100 range.
Persons with mild psychological problems fall in the 71 - 90 range. <---I seem to be the moderate if there is one, in between two---> Severe problems fall in the 21 - 30 range and 1 - 10 is reserved for persistently suicidal persons or persons incapable of meeting even minimal personal hygiene standards.
Cognitively, she is exhibiting deficits (falls short) associated with the frontal lobe region, short term memory, language , mental flexibility. She can only concentrate for short periods of time. Her current level appears to be lower that her pre-morbid intellectual abilities. While she is capable of learning information, it will take her longer than the avg person.
She has difficulty storing information but once she is able to learn information she is more likely than not capable of retrieving that information more easily. She appears to be easily overwhelmed and tends to process information very slowly. Tasks that require complex thinking or shifting between cognitive sets will be extremely difficult for her to do easily. Attendance to detail should not be done quickly as she will likely become emotionally reactive.
I looked up emotionally reactive because I didn't get it. Here is what I found:
In personality psychology, one dimension typically measured is called neuroticism emotional stability or emotional reactivity/emotional stability. People high on neuroticism tend to be more likely to develop many kinds of psychiatric disorders including: anxiety disorders, panic disorders, phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depressive disorders, body image and personal identity disorders, and several different personality disorders (particularly borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder). Essentially, people high on neuroticism have predisposition to have strong reactions to stress.
Here is my mind, emotions, and everything all out there. Hopefully some will understand me more. Some won't....Who cares. I want to talk more about this in another Post. Thank you for everyone who is reading. Thanks for the support.
A lot of it I don't understand, so I'll pick out what I can. I'll break it up how they do and summerize what they said. (Pretty much leave out my information and full name) They talk about composite scores, but I have no idea what that means.
TESTING RESULTS
Neurocognative Testing
WTAR to estimate Pre-morbid intellectual ability. Average range. Her predicted sore of 105 is also in avg range. It can be estimated with 95% confidence that her pre-morbid intellectual abilities would be int he avg to superior range. Also given a WAIS-IV TO assess cognitive functioning.
She obtained a Full Scale and Verbal Comprehension score is in the low avg range. Her somewhat Perceptual Reasoning score is somewhat higher in the avg range. Her borderline Working Memory score suggests she will have moderate to severe difficulty with manipulating information. Her low avg Processing Speed Score suggests she will have mild to moderate difficulty processing new information quickly. She demonstrated a weakness in numeral reasoning and speed of numeral manipulation.
Also administered the WMS-IV to estimate her current general memory abilities.
Her Immediate Memory score is somewhat lower than avg Delayed Memory score suggests she is better at retrieving learned information after short periods of time has lapsed than with greater a greater delay. Will demonstrate some difficulty retrieving learned information presented both verbally and visually as these scores are in the low avg range. She should have less difficulty with temp storing and manipulation visually presented information as this score is in the avg range.
The R-BANS was administered to measure basic neuropsyhological functions of attention, language, visual-spatial and constructional abilities and Immediate and delayed memory.
Her low avg Immediate Memory and avg Delayed Memory scores are fairly consistent with her WMS-IV scores. She will have moderate to severe difficulty with attending to tasks for long periods of time and will likely need to have information broken down to her in short segments in order for her to be able to focus and remember the information over a longer period of time. Her somatic ability is in the borderline range. As her Visual-Spatial/Constructive score is in the low avg range, she was better at completing non-verbal spatial relational tasks then verbal retrieved learned information.
Was administered the D-KEFS to examine her executive functioning. Executive functions refer to higher-order cognitive skills that direct or organize thinking.
Trail Making Test
The trail Making test, scored in the impaired to avg ranger. She demonstrated the most difficulty with visually scanning information quickly. Her ability to sequence numbers and letters independently are avg. Her motor speed was also avg. As the task became more difficult, her scores declined as she was unable to process complex information quickly.
Verbal Fluency Test
Verbal Fluency test, scores are i the low avg to avg range. Demonstrates most difficulty naming words that began with the same letter. Her scores improved as the tasks became more difficult. She was able to name words within the same category and switch between categories accurately. Overall, she exhibited more cognitive flexibility in a language task. In spite of this, she still preformed slowly making sure she did not make any repetition or loss of set errors.
Color Word Interference Test
Scores are in the significantly impaired range. <-----Can't be the best at everything. She worked slowly throughout this task. She demonstrated slow processing speed and difficulty with inhibition. She appeared to be focused on avoiding errors despite her instruction to work quickly on the task.
Administered the RCFT to further evaluate her visual-spatial/Constructional abilities and visual memory. She obtained a normal copy score with some minor difficulty with attention to fine detail. After a short delay, she was asked to draw the figure from memory. Her score significantly declined, reflecting moderate impairment. Her impaired scores suggest difficulty retaining spatial information over long periods of time.
Was administered the WRAT-IV to assess her achievement skills.
This portion of this assessment tends to be more resistant to the effects of head injury. She demonstrated the greatest difficulty with Math Computation. Her Math Computation score is consistent with her WIAS-IV Arithmetic score suggesting weakness in the arithmetic area.
Social-Emotional Testing
Administered the MMIPI-2 to assess her emotional functioning. Her validity scales reflect an invalid profile due to over reporting of negative symptoms. It is likely she is over reporting, not as motivation of secondary gain, or attention, but likely as a "plea for help." <---Sad, but true.
DIAGNOSTIC IMPRESSIONS
Meet the following DSM-IV-TR classification:
Axis 1: Major Depression Disorder. Recurrent, Severe without Psychotic features. <----See not crazy
Posttramatic Stress Disorder
Cognitive Disorder NOS
Mathematics Disorder
Axis 2: Borderline Intellectual Functioning
Borderline Features
Axis 3: Social, Educational, and Occupational
Axis 4: GAF=53 (Global Assessment of Functioning. The GAF is a scale from 0 to 100 where higher scores indicate greater levels of functioning. Optimal mental health and coping capabilities are represented by scores in the 91 - 100 range.
Persons with mild psychological problems fall in the 71 - 90 range. <---I seem to be the moderate if there is one, in between two---> Severe problems fall in the 21 - 30 range and 1 - 10 is reserved for persistently suicidal persons or persons incapable of meeting even minimal personal hygiene standards.
Cognitively, she is exhibiting deficits (falls short) associated with the frontal lobe region, short term memory, language , mental flexibility. She can only concentrate for short periods of time. Her current level appears to be lower that her pre-morbid intellectual abilities. While she is capable of learning information, it will take her longer than the avg person.
She has difficulty storing information but once she is able to learn information she is more likely than not capable of retrieving that information more easily. She appears to be easily overwhelmed and tends to process information very slowly. Tasks that require complex thinking or shifting between cognitive sets will be extremely difficult for her to do easily. Attendance to detail should not be done quickly as she will likely become emotionally reactive.
I looked up emotionally reactive because I didn't get it. Here is what I found:
In personality psychology, one dimension typically measured is called neuroticism emotional stability or emotional reactivity/emotional stability. People high on neuroticism tend to be more likely to develop many kinds of psychiatric disorders including: anxiety disorders, panic disorders, phobias, obsessive-compulsive disorder, depressive disorders, body image and personal identity disorders, and several different personality disorders (particularly borderline personality disorder and avoidant personality disorder). Essentially, people high on neuroticism have predisposition to have strong reactions to stress.
Here is my mind, emotions, and everything all out there. Hopefully some will understand me more. Some won't....Who cares. I want to talk more about this in another Post. Thank you for everyone who is reading. Thanks for the support.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Why am I so afraid to succeed? Why can't I see my worth?
"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." -Thomas Edison
"Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." - Mahatma Gandhi
I realized I haven't posted any details or much of anything for about a week or more. I know its important to explain how everything happened, but at this point I opened wounds I never even knew I had. I keep saying this over and over and its very true. These things are VERY HARD to share. I need a break, from past at least.
For now on I will be trying to get a blog in every other day about how I'm dealing with everything on a daily basis. I some might think this is easy and it wouldn't bother them. Well, we all deal with things differently. I will come back to some of the past, but small amounts. I have been writing, but haven't published at least 4 posts. I will be sure to get those out as well.
To my readers: Thank you so much for the support, it helps a lot, more then I can say. Having about 200 hits a day was so great and made me so excited to see that, that many people read and I'm reaching out to many in some sort of way. More than I ever thought.
The shitty part about this sickness that I live in, doesn't want me to succeed. I tend to fall back into this cycle where I for some reason don't think I have any self worth. I realized I have lost myself, self esteem, and self worth long ago. This was around the coma and I'd say through the past four years. I have iscolated my self and told myself I wasn't good enough for anything. I have let these mental illness's take over eveything in my life. I have let these "differences" DEFINE who I am and I can't seem to see how anyone is going to love me when I hate myself or when "I'm different". Let's face it I am very emotional and omplex with everything and most don't want to deal with it. I have let everyone's thoughts or feelings about me or about me physcially take over how I see myself in the mirror. At times I'd say I think I am pretty. Other times I look in the mirror and wish I wasn't pretty, but was whatever nrmal was. Not me. I'd rather be not so good looking, with an amazing personality, then me. Sounds odd I'm sure.
I'm here partly because I hate and despise myself too much. I'm here the other half because I have lived through too much and can't handle anymore of it. It haunts me. I want to scream everyday at the top of my lungs. Yeah I am my worst enemy, we know that, but there are other things going on.
Anyways, With the 200 hits a day I freaked out and isolated again.... It's like, I get it all out and I'm making a change and people are inspired with me, and I drop it all. Its a pattern I have realized. Something tramatic happens or the PTSD kicks in. I'll explain in a post soon. I will try not to do this, but if I do...I will try not to be gone for so long.
Thanks again for reading. Well, Spellcheck isn't working so bare with me. Again feel free to comment.
"Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning." - Mahatma Gandhi
I realized I haven't posted any details or much of anything for about a week or more. I know its important to explain how everything happened, but at this point I opened wounds I never even knew I had. I keep saying this over and over and its very true. These things are VERY HARD to share. I need a break, from past at least. For now on I will be trying to get a blog in every other day about how I'm dealing with everything on a daily basis. I some might think this is easy and it wouldn't bother them. Well, we all deal with things differently. I will come back to some of the past, but small amounts. I have been writing, but haven't published at least 4 posts. I will be sure to get those out as well.
To my readers: Thank you so much for the support, it helps a lot, more then I can say. Having about 200 hits a day was so great and made me so excited to see that, that many people read and I'm reaching out to many in some sort of way. More than I ever thought.
The shitty part about this sickness that I live in, doesn't want me to succeed. I tend to fall back into this cycle where I for some reason don't think I have any self worth. I realized I have lost myself, self esteem, and self worth long ago. This was around the coma and I'd say through the past four years. I have iscolated my self and told myself I wasn't good enough for anything. I have let these mental illness's take over eveything in my life. I have let these "differences" DEFINE who I am and I can't seem to see how anyone is going to love me when I hate myself or when "I'm different". Let's face it I am very emotional and omplex with everything and most don't want to deal with it. I have let everyone's thoughts or feelings about me or about me physcially take over how I see myself in the mirror. At times I'd say I think I am pretty. Other times I look in the mirror and wish I wasn't pretty, but was whatever nrmal was. Not me. I'd rather be not so good looking, with an amazing personality, then me. Sounds odd I'm sure.
I'm here partly because I hate and despise myself too much. I'm here the other half because I have lived through too much and can't handle anymore of it. It haunts me. I want to scream everyday at the top of my lungs. Yeah I am my worst enemy, we know that, but there are other things going on.
Anyways, With the 200 hits a day I freaked out and isolated again.... It's like, I get it all out and I'm making a change and people are inspired with me, and I drop it all. Its a pattern I have realized. Something tramatic happens or the PTSD kicks in. I'll explain in a post soon. I will try not to do this, but if I do...I will try not to be gone for so long.
Thanks again for reading. Well, Spellcheck isn't working so bare with me. Again feel free to comment.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
It's never easy.....love
CHRISTINA PERRI LYRICS
"Distance"
The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love
And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?
And please don't stand so close to me
I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you understand
And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?
And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To save what we have
So I'll make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?
Make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long til we call this love, love, love?
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