I have been thinking this for days, "Where have these self issues come from?" It's hard to write the parts that are emotional and hard to share with the whole world my raw emotions, that even I don't like to think about.
The truth is....
I was hurting so much I couldn't even understand what was happening. In my head I knew I had a baby, but I couldn't feel the love I had for him. I didn't know what to do with him, but how would I? I never had the time to have motherly instincts after what had happened.
And like my baby at the time, I couldn't feel love for those people who I loved dearly. The few I couldn't even imagine living without. Everyone suffered who was around. One was the one, I call my Dad, Christina the one I have known for years, and Jason. It was very hard for me to understand why I could feel this pain in my heart that made me want to go back into a coma, but I couldn't feel normal feelings?
Being a mother myself I would assume if your child was nearly dead and the doctors where even saying they didn't know if they could save your child you would have a reaction. You would try anything and everything to try and be with your daughter. In all fairness my mother was on the "do not contact list," however she didn't make any attempt to even see me until I was barley living. When I woke she was the mother I had always wanted, The one I cried with. I one who rubbed my head and told me, "everything will be okay, I love you and will here if ever need me." I thought I was over this to this day, but I guess not because the tears are streaming. The last time I cried over my mother was when I first learned to walk. I was so proud of myself that I could take ONE STEP with someone holding me. It was one of the biggest accomplishments I ever made.
BACK TO THE WHAT HAPPENED:
So, they had to start physical therapy. I can say it by far the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I screamed for days in pain and cried. At first I think the doctors and nurses thought maybe I was addicted to the drugs and I was having with drawls? I got the impression that they didn't believe me. They had started to ween me off the meds. At this point I learned how to swallow normal, so I could get a purple thing that screws into the Tracheotomy that I can breath in, but stops the air so I can talk. The pain was so bad when they would make me walk, I couldn't even put weight on my left foot. They did many CAT scans and MRI's. This is when I learned I was claustrophobic. I had a 2 hour Scan on my back, they were trying to pin point what was causing this unknown pain. As soon as I got put into the machine I started to panic, I dropped the call button and started screaming for them to let me out. They wouldn't because I only had 10 mins or so. It was horrifying. I understand why they would do that, but on the flip side its horrible for someone to be that scared and feel tortured. Some of this might not seem bad, but when your on meds that play tricks and make you hallucinate, you have no control, its very terrifying.
This is by far another thing that broke me down. For physical therapy they do this thing where one person forces you to stand up by holding you in place and another stands behind to catch you. I was very upset and got very depressed saying, "I don't want to stand up." Begging them to please not make me hurt more. I was screaming, crying, and begging to let me sit down. He said, "No" and it wasn't until the nurses came running in and said my heart was near 200 beats per min and I'd have a heart attack if he didn't stop. Oh but he wasn't done, I had to sit down until my heart rate was about normal for me at that time was in the 120's. Then I'd have to endure this excruciating pain again, and again, and again. Ten times that day. At these points I became very angry and hated everyone. I finally had seen the world for what it was. Because they didn't know about my foot they made me do these things and made me walk on it even though I couldn't. I know they were helping, but it had some emotional affects I didn't realize until now. I blocked these memories out for a reason.
I got to the point, I was very sad inside and broken. I'd curl in a ball at night and cry myself to sleep. It was very hard for me to understand why? The nights were the worst, I missed everyone. It was when I felt alone the most. These were the times I had started to develop issues with being alone. I was so alone in my coma dreams. I tried to stay up all night because the nightmares continued, until they gave me meds to sleep. You don't get better without sleep.
Right at this moment, I feel exhausted. My emotions feel raw and picked at. I knew this was going to be hard, but not this hard. I know it is by choice.
Thank you for showing support and following. I am inspired to get better, it gives me a form of accomplishment that I can reach out to others. That was my plan to feel like I'm more than just this number out of billions. Surprisingly this blog gets 50- 100 hits daily. Sure there is someone who is worse off, but this is my life story, and I intend to help others someday because of it. Thanks again.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Part-4 Continued....Waking.
Still in the ICU just to clairify. I know most of the time I was crying asking everyday, every hour, "Why am I here?" I then flashed back to when I was pregnant. I was so scared and didn't know if I'd be a good mother. I had a mother, but she's more like a baby holder. Anyways, I have lived with the guilt of asking God everyday when I was pregnant to spare the baby, but please let me die somehow. I know that's so disgusting of me, but it did almost happen. A life lesson? A fluke? Who knows if it was me asking and getting a reality check. All I know now is, I get it off my chest and I don't have to deal with it everyday feeling horrible. I don't want this EVER used against me...
The nurse would then explain why I was at the hospital. I remember crying all the time just wanting my baby. I remember being so upset when people left and how bad I felt when I was all alone. I'm sure this is how my co-dependency with family or friends started. Before the coma I was never like that, I was actually very cold and didn't need anyone. once I cut the ties they were dead to me., but not now I hold on a little too much. Wow this blog is all over and hard to write.
Back to a few other nightmares I had when I had coma dreams. The one I remember like it happened yesterday was about my twin sister. For so reason robots were making this dome like structure because it was raining and wouldn't stop. So they gathered everyone together to watch how the dome worked and it was a test. It was going to save us all from the flood. So for some reason I was near the dome and so was my twin. They pushed the buttons to close the dome and she was helping for some reason. I screamed, "She is still in there", but they couldn't stop it because they hadn't made a button for that. She tried to swim to the open. The dome then started to fill up with water. I stood there screaming and crying that someone had to help her. I knew I couldn't lose her. As the water filled she began to run out of oxygen she swam to the bottom where I was mouthing to me, "Please help me." It was too late I couldn't. She ended up drowning in front of me with her sad blues eyes starting at me. I was devastated, I feel to the ground and couldn't believe she was gone. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was scared to lose her.
(And then some other random stuff happened....like I married Miley Cyrus's brother that I didn't even know she had. Who put Miley Cyrus on tv when I was awake, but not responsive?0
Back to serious....This would probably explain to why to this day I try to be close to her only to get treated like dirt and she has no respect for me. I was so devastated to lose her then and now in reality I still am. I have lost her, she doesn't really care how I feel or what I have been through. In her own words, "The point is I'm sick of u acting like ur life is over because u went through a TRIAL in your life. things happen for a reason to wake u up from where u were before u went through ur coma." This is the support I get from her. Yes, I keep it all just to see of it has changed. This is matters why? Because it is all I feel like I have family, and a few good friends. I will never understand why I am trash to her. When we were kids I took most of the beatings for her because I knew she wouldn't and couldn't handle it. I know to this day I was right, she can't even admit it really happened. Even at a young age she had some kind of hate for me. I have never tried to compete, but with her that's life- alway a COMPETITION. I'll move on eventually... She has. The past has no affect with me when it comes to her, but the present is just like the past so my opinion has never changed. Yet again another person who, if the table was turned I'd never leave and I'd be there no matter what because that is what family is for!
TRIAL is the worse word to use.
Trial-
Everyone was so supportive when I woke up and couldn't move. I feel like some even faked it along the way to look like good, loving, caring, family members.
My point to all this bad order of information is trying to get the bits and pieces out of my head. I'm telling myself once I put it here I need to get rid of all the bad feelings and emotions. I also might be avoiding the cold hard truth...
The nurse would then explain why I was at the hospital. I remember crying all the time just wanting my baby. I remember being so upset when people left and how bad I felt when I was all alone. I'm sure this is how my co-dependency with family or friends started. Before the coma I was never like that, I was actually very cold and didn't need anyone. once I cut the ties they were dead to me., but not now I hold on a little too much. Wow this blog is all over and hard to write.
Back to a few other nightmares I had when I had coma dreams. The one I remember like it happened yesterday was about my twin sister. For so reason robots were making this dome like structure because it was raining and wouldn't stop. So they gathered everyone together to watch how the dome worked and it was a test. It was going to save us all from the flood. So for some reason I was near the dome and so was my twin. They pushed the buttons to close the dome and she was helping for some reason. I screamed, "She is still in there", but they couldn't stop it because they hadn't made a button for that. She tried to swim to the open. The dome then started to fill up with water. I stood there screaming and crying that someone had to help her. I knew I couldn't lose her. As the water filled she began to run out of oxygen she swam to the bottom where I was mouthing to me, "Please help me." It was too late I couldn't. She ended up drowning in front of me with her sad blues eyes starting at me. I was devastated, I feel to the ground and couldn't believe she was gone. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was scared to lose her.
(And then some other random stuff happened....like I married Miley Cyrus's brother that I didn't even know she had. Who put Miley Cyrus on tv when I was awake, but not responsive?0
Back to serious....This would probably explain to why to this day I try to be close to her only to get treated like dirt and she has no respect for me. I was so devastated to lose her then and now in reality I still am. I have lost her, she doesn't really care how I feel or what I have been through. In her own words, "The point is I'm sick of u acting like ur life is over because u went through a TRIAL in your life. things happen for a reason to wake u up from where u were before u went through ur coma." This is the support I get from her. Yes, I keep it all just to see of it has changed. This is matters why? Because it is all I feel like I have family, and a few good friends. I will never understand why I am trash to her. When we were kids I took most of the beatings for her because I knew she wouldn't and couldn't handle it. I know to this day I was right, she can't even admit it really happened. Even at a young age she had some kind of hate for me. I have never tried to compete, but with her that's life- alway a COMPETITION. I'll move on eventually... She has. The past has no affect with me when it comes to her, but the present is just like the past so my opinion has never changed. Yet again another person who, if the table was turned I'd never leave and I'd be there no matter what because that is what family is for!
TRIAL is the worse word to use.
Trial-
test; proof.
My God doesn't make me go through hell to test me. There is a better way of saying this, but I don't how to at the moment.
Everyone was so supportive when I woke up and couldn't move. I feel like some even faked it along the way to look like good, loving, caring, family members.
My point to all this bad order of information is trying to get the bits and pieces out of my head. I'm telling myself once I put it here I need to get rid of all the bad feelings and emotions. I also might be avoiding the cold hard truth...
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Part 3 - The first day of the rest of my life--Waking
So of course I made it, I'm here.....
I remember waking up to a man who I thought was named Pablo (not his real name) and a girl (unknown). He asked if I wanted to tell him something. He told me to look at him. He told me to try and focus on him. I remember being so weak my head bobbed around and I could barley focus on his face. I remember being in a chair. I told him, "I have a knife under my pillow," He didn't respond. I then got upset because he asked if there was anything I wanted, "Of course I wanted veggies and a huge steak!" I was so upset that I started to cry. I then had another series of random odd dreams..
I had disgusting nightmares that I thought were real. The worst one I had was, this devil girl who always had spiders that followed her. She put posters up, like a game. Read the signs to find my baby. Yes, even in the coma dreams I somehow knew I had a baby. Anyways, I find Sage in the freezer frozen to death. I was devastated. My memory then skips to this cat they had that was white and when I looked down it had blood all over it, guess what it was eating? Yes, horrible! Those images and nightmares are stuck in my head like memories from yesterday. I guess no surprise I have nightmares that are very real now. .
What really happened...
The man did show up in my room,but him and the girl were physical therapists. They had put me in a chair and started pt. I was awake and up before my brain caught on. While reading my records, it scared me to death. There were notes saying, "Patient would stare at the corner of the room and scream help me!" "Patient looks very frightened and is crying." So just to clarify, I was awake, but non responsive, Eyes open, staring straight.
So my first memory of waking up is very hard to explain. I think i was so drugged I didn't even realize I was in an ICU or really cared honestly. It's when they started weaning me off things is when I realized where I was. I had the tracheotomy in my neck so at that point I would cry without sound, and I couldn't talk with the hole there.
I only remember most of my hallucinations. There was a bulldog that always ran though my room, I little Army with horses that walked on my blankets, a guy who sat on the right side with the damn light on all night, a mannequin head near the mirror, and a door behind my bed with a classroom.
This is embarrassing, But I remember trying to tell them I needed to go poo and shitting myself. ( I couldn't talk still ) I cried the whole night feeling embarrassed. The awful hallucinations started and I was in a cement room, cold, dark, and spiders started dropping on me one by one. I tried to scream, but I couldn't all I could do is cry myself to sleep. another horrible moment!
One of the best memories I remember is my Dad (my uncle) who loved me unconditional and took me as his own. Well I opened my eyes to see him standing over my bed, and his blue eyes filled with tears. He said, " He was so happy to see me open my eyes and recognize him." I later said, " Aw you cried." He said, "He had something in his eyes." lol hard ass he was. I miss you Dad, thank you for being there in my memories....
Well, again a lot to write... Sorry another blog for this. Part 4 soon. Thanks for the support everyone. These last blogs after the coma are seriously the hardest for me. I never wanted to have to go back to them and when I do it scares me. Maybe good to talk about it??
I remember waking up to a man who I thought was named Pablo (not his real name) and a girl (unknown). He asked if I wanted to tell him something. He told me to look at him. He told me to try and focus on him. I remember being so weak my head bobbed around and I could barley focus on his face. I remember being in a chair. I told him, "I have a knife under my pillow," He didn't respond. I then got upset because he asked if there was anything I wanted, "Of course I wanted veggies and a huge steak!" I was so upset that I started to cry. I then had another series of random odd dreams..
I had disgusting nightmares that I thought were real. The worst one I had was, this devil girl who always had spiders that followed her. She put posters up, like a game. Read the signs to find my baby. Yes, even in the coma dreams I somehow knew I had a baby. Anyways, I find Sage in the freezer frozen to death. I was devastated. My memory then skips to this cat they had that was white and when I looked down it had blood all over it, guess what it was eating? Yes, horrible! Those images and nightmares are stuck in my head like memories from yesterday. I guess no surprise I have nightmares that are very real now. .
What really happened...
The man did show up in my room,but him and the girl were physical therapists. They had put me in a chair and started pt. I was awake and up before my brain caught on. While reading my records, it scared me to death. There were notes saying, "Patient would stare at the corner of the room and scream help me!" "Patient looks very frightened and is crying." So just to clarify, I was awake, but non responsive, Eyes open, staring straight.
So my first memory of waking up is very hard to explain. I think i was so drugged I didn't even realize I was in an ICU or really cared honestly. It's when they started weaning me off things is when I realized where I was. I had the tracheotomy in my neck so at that point I would cry without sound, and I couldn't talk with the hole there.
I only remember most of my hallucinations. There was a bulldog that always ran though my room, I little Army with horses that walked on my blankets, a guy who sat on the right side with the damn light on all night, a mannequin head near the mirror, and a door behind my bed with a classroom.
This is embarrassing, But I remember trying to tell them I needed to go poo and shitting myself. ( I couldn't talk still ) I cried the whole night feeling embarrassed. The awful hallucinations started and I was in a cement room, cold, dark, and spiders started dropping on me one by one. I tried to scream, but I couldn't all I could do is cry myself to sleep. another horrible moment!
One of the best memories I remember is my Dad (my uncle) who loved me unconditional and took me as his own. Well I opened my eyes to see him standing over my bed, and his blue eyes filled with tears. He said, " He was so happy to see me open my eyes and recognize him." I later said, " Aw you cried." He said, "He had something in his eyes." lol hard ass he was. I miss you Dad, thank you for being there in my memories....
Well, again a lot to write... Sorry another blog for this. Part 4 soon. Thanks for the support everyone. These last blogs after the coma are seriously the hardest for me. I never wanted to have to go back to them and when I do it scares me. Maybe good to talk about it??
Friday, January 27, 2012
Have you ever made a HUGE mistake and beat yourself up everyday for the rest of your life? I have and it still bothers me so much I can't stand it. I would say it has contributed to my emotional state. I walked away from someone thinking, "if it's meant to be he will come back." Well...end to the sad story he left and really, barley ever looks back. I feel like I am nothing to him. He promised my Dad that no matter what happened he would be supportive and he hasn't showed me that at all. Every time he acts like I don't exist I don't even want to take another breath to live... Had to try and get that out so I didn't do something nonproductive. I'd rather have him back and be happy for the rest of my life and deal with the trash talk, then to be miserable, hate myself, and have no hope to live by. My heart is broken one of many reasons and this is one.
P.s. If you see this at least love our son like you once loved me. Unconditional, he misses you.
P.s. If you see this at least love our son like you once loved me. Unconditional, he misses you.
How strong do you think I am?
I know I said I was going to finish Part 3. I was planning too, but got side tracked with my emotional state. I had a doctor's appointment Tuesday. I started Wellbutrin, Tuesday night. (Wellbutrin- is an antidepressant medication, and is used to treat major depressive disorder.) Hopefully it works this time, last time it made me want to kill myself more :/ It makes my mind dizzy, and tired. All I can say is I have gotten the best sleep the past two nights in forever. Since it takes at least three weeks for it to completely settle in the body, I won't know if it will help everything.
At this point I want to run from this blog because it has said in that I am very vulnerable, but I decided to keep going on. I got a short report of my evaluation. Honestly, I am kind of embarrassed, but I will type it out.
"She presently complaining of both cognitive and emotional difficulties that began following her 2008 medically-induced coma. Our preliminary findings suggest she is exhibiting cognitive deficits associated with the frontal lobe region, language, cognitive flexibility, and short-term memory. She demonstrates difficulty with concentrating and attention which could not only be attributed to cognitive impairments but also emotional distress.
After meeting with her, I believe she would benefit from a combination of mental health counseling and medication management to address her depression and anxiety symptoms. Ms. ****** is set up for an appointment with a therapist in our office to address her emotional symptoms ans teach her cognitive-behavioral skills for coping with her cognitive, emotional, and behavioral impairments."
I have fallen a bit down, but have been trying so hard not to give up. It is so hard, last night I lost it. I couldn't handle not having one person's opinion that means everything to me. Oh well that's life huh?
Thanks for the support! Feel free to ask questions or every say something ANYTHING! Maybe a :) face just something.
At this point I want to run from this blog because it has said in that I am very vulnerable, but I decided to keep going on. I got a short report of my evaluation. Honestly, I am kind of embarrassed, but I will type it out.
"She presently complaining of both cognitive and emotional difficulties that began following her 2008 medically-induced coma. Our preliminary findings suggest she is exhibiting cognitive deficits associated with the frontal lobe region, language, cognitive flexibility, and short-term memory. She demonstrates difficulty with concentrating and attention which could not only be attributed to cognitive impairments but also emotional distress.
After meeting with her, I believe she would benefit from a combination of mental health counseling and medication management to address her depression and anxiety symptoms. Ms. ****** is set up for an appointment with a therapist in our office to address her emotional symptoms ans teach her cognitive-behavioral skills for coping with her cognitive, emotional, and behavioral impairments."
I have fallen a bit down, but have been trying so hard not to give up. It is so hard, last night I lost it. I couldn't handle not having one person's opinion that means everything to me. Oh well that's life huh?
Thanks for the support! Feel free to ask questions or every say something ANYTHING! Maybe a :) face just something.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Why? What? Who?
Some of you definitely think I'm nuts and that is fine by me :)
I am getting calls, messages, and facebook comments to why I am acting this way. I have thought about it and honestly, THIS IS HOW I HAVE BEEN THE PAST 4 YEARS, I just didn't let anyone see this behavior. I have tried to act how and what everyone wants. Well I am done! I'm done being stuck in this sad, lonely, place I call my life where no one knows what I battle every day. I have a smile on my face but my soul is dying. I'd rather be this way and get better then to keep it all in and have people around who only want to be around when I'm "happy all the time." I FEEL like I'll talk it about it all I want and if you don't like that family or not then don't talk to me. I will get better, and I'm realizing I will find out who my true friends are. Not to mention when did I ever become this person that cared about negative people or comments. Just to remember this blog is for me to get my feelings out. I would like people to try and understand me before they judge me and tell me they think I'm acting crazy. I am sharing this with the whole world and yeah there are haters. Most people I know now don't even know any of this ever happened. I'm tired fo living a secret life. This fits: You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink.
A good friend called me last night and we talked for hours. He said I am missing something and I've given up and he was right I did give up on everything. It was nice to get a call and have someone say what the hell are you doing giving up? That isn't you! Today I feel better because I got some sleep and no scary nightmares. I slept through the night and that is God's blessing. The night before I was up all night because I kept having a dream where someone was gonna kill me. I woke up many times asking God to please get it out of my head. Anyways, lack of sleep can make issues worse. Oh right that missing something...it's called HOPE.
I now have HOPE that I will get better. I'm surprised that I am also getting emails, and messages from people saying its inspiring to them. I'm glad I can reach to people like that. I would love to inspire people who are going through this as well or who have been through it. One day when I'm ready I will go on the board of TBI (Tramatic Brain Injury) and be an advocate for us all.
Thank you for the support and thank you for reading! Like I have said in the past it will be kinda random. For those who don't know what to say it is okay just show your support in following. I don't expect you to know how I feel personally.
If I am defining everything out and doing research online then read it, it might help you understand, I even put the stuff that is me in PINK in those blogs, and the meanings in pink. Or important stuff.
I am getting calls, messages, and facebook comments to why I am acting this way. I have thought about it and honestly, THIS IS HOW I HAVE BEEN THE PAST 4 YEARS, I just didn't let anyone see this behavior. I have tried to act how and what everyone wants. Well I am done! I'm done being stuck in this sad, lonely, place I call my life where no one knows what I battle every day. I have a smile on my face but my soul is dying. I'd rather be this way and get better then to keep it all in and have people around who only want to be around when I'm "happy all the time." I FEEL like I'll talk it about it all I want and if you don't like that family or not then don't talk to me. I will get better, and I'm realizing I will find out who my true friends are. Not to mention when did I ever become this person that cared about negative people or comments. Just to remember this blog is for me to get my feelings out. I would like people to try and understand me before they judge me and tell me they think I'm acting crazy. I am sharing this with the whole world and yeah there are haters. Most people I know now don't even know any of this ever happened. I'm tired fo living a secret life. This fits: You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink.
A good friend called me last night and we talked for hours. He said I am missing something and I've given up and he was right I did give up on everything. It was nice to get a call and have someone say what the hell are you doing giving up? That isn't you! Today I feel better because I got some sleep and no scary nightmares. I slept through the night and that is God's blessing. The night before I was up all night because I kept having a dream where someone was gonna kill me. I woke up many times asking God to please get it out of my head. Anyways, lack of sleep can make issues worse. Oh right that missing something...it's called HOPE.
I now have HOPE that I will get better. I'm surprised that I am also getting emails, and messages from people saying its inspiring to them. I'm glad I can reach to people like that. I would love to inspire people who are going through this as well or who have been through it. One day when I'm ready I will go on the board of TBI (Tramatic Brain Injury) and be an advocate for us all.
Thank you for the support and thank you for reading! Like I have said in the past it will be kinda random. For those who don't know what to say it is okay just show your support in following. I don't expect you to know how I feel personally.
If I am defining everything out and doing research online then read it, it might help you understand, I even put the stuff that is me in PINK in those blogs, and the meanings in pink. Or important stuff.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Part 2- The first day of the rest of my life
Everyone has asked, "Did I see the light?," "How was it?"
The answers are:
I kinda did see the light but in a different way then you would think.
Part of my dream there was a flood and I was in this water falling further down, with broken glass, wood, bodies, everything floating in it. And I was about to take my last breath, but then this person or thing saved me and as I was being pulled out of the water I seen a bright light above me.
How was it? ...
Well let me tell you it was the most horrible thing in the world, your stuck in an awful dream that you cannot get out of and at the time you don't know why. Everything in your dreams are so real. I was tortured, cut up, people drugged me, tied me down, I seen family and friends get killed right in front of my eyes (every time they were trying to save me), trust me things you never would want to even imagine, the worst nightmares ever that all seem real and lucid.
(the nurses did say part of the dreams were reality being pushed together and my mind perceiving them differently)
Anyways on with the story...as what I have pieced together. Like I said it might not all be word for word.
Saturday Feb. 2, after I had Sage I was put in the ICU, I was fine and awake again on Sunday. I was writing to people. but then at about 4pm that evening is when everything went for the worst. I was loosing too much oxygen so I was put in a drug induced coma because I couldn't breathe on my own. (ventilator) Also I was put on full life support.
Here are some letters from a person that is very close to me....
1 Feb 4
Shereen,
I know you are in the hospital right now, but I wanted to write you a letter telling you how much I appreciate you as my friend. The past couple of months we have grown alot closer and I am so glad. I am so happy I got to be apart of sages blessing into the world. I am also so happy for you to be a new mommy. I know you will be great, you are such a great person and I am so sorry I questioned alot about you before. I don't know what I would do without you. Please pull through this, I will help you with anything you need. I want you to know that.... You are in mine and many other peoples prayers... And I know god is also watching over you too. So I want you to know you are a best friend I could ever ask for I don't want to lose you. I love you, and I'm sorry it came down to whats been going on for me to say it, its just that we have just starting becoming the best friends that we knew we could have.. Well I will see you in the morning. Please stay strong.
Love you,
2 Feb 11
Hey sweety,
well you have been in the intensive care unit for 8 days now, but all is going a little better. I visited you today and you were looking alot better. They are going to stick a feeding tube in today so hopefully you won't be sooo starving. I just want to let you know that I am so happy you are strong and want to pull through. For a couple days we didn't think you were going to make it. You were so sick, you are still sick but not like you were. Well you are getting better day by day. I hope you know this is a big reality check, I love you alot, I realized that you are one of my best friends and I don't know what I would do with out you. You are a great person and will be a great mother. I never want to lose you as a friend and I cherish everything you have done for me as well. Its looking better and I cant wait until you can come home. Well keep up the good work and you will out of there in no time.
Love always,
ps. You have a lot of support behind you, alot more than you thought!
In between the next letter I ended up getting A.R.D.S.
Acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS) acute respiratory distress syndrome, is a lung condition that leads to low oxygen levels in the blood.. Inciting events include: Trauma, sepsis, aspiration (fluid entering the lungs) <--- (which was caused by the step pneumonia) ARDS in a nut shell....Too much fluid is leaked into the lungs causing them to collapse and fail.
The I ended up getting Sepsis, which is very normal for a person with A.R.D.S.
Sepsis is a condition in which the body is fighting a severe infection that has spread via the bloodstream. If a patient becomes "septic," they will likely be in a state of low blood pressure termed "shock." This condition can develop either as a result of the body's own defense system or from toxic substances made by the infecting agent (such as a bacteria (strep pneumonia) <---, virus, or fungus).
Somewhere in between here they ended up having to turn me on my stomach for about two weeks. They did this to get the fluid out of my lungs in places they could not so I could get my oxygen on the ventilator. (When they did this they also knew there would be long term consequences to this, but the state I was in it was this or death)
At times I dropped to 20% oxygen, which is brain damage level. My body was a mess from the infections. My blood pressure was always too low, and the doctors were fighting to keep the Sepsis from getting to my kidney.
3 Feb 20
Well today is 17, you have been on life support for 2 1/2 weeks. We are all praying and hope you come out of this. You were tooken off the paralytic yesterday and have done pretty good tolerating it. I hope you know that I have been dealing with everyone trying to get temporary custody of Sage. As far as I would think you would want me to have him but I'm soo sorry I am pretty much screwed. I have no chance because I'm not blood and I am nothing. I don't want to stress you out. I will get him in time when they actually acknowledge that Jason is the father. But don't worry all will work out when you get out. Yesterday we had meeting with the doctor for the 1st time. He told us the overview on what happened with your body. He said most cases with ards(acute respiratory distress syndrome) have a 60% chance of living. I have faith in you and know you are such a strong person. Just seeing you open your eyes will make me the happiest person alive. I love you so much PLEASE STAY STRONG!
Love your bestest friend,
4 Feb 21
Hey hun,
I just wanted to let you know that kami and I went to see you tonight its Thursday the 21st and you have been in there for 19 days. You have been off the paralytic for almost 3 days now. I have so much hope for you. Tonight you tried to move your eyes which made me so happy. I know you were listening to me I could just tell. You were wearing some weird furry boots, I guess they help so you don't have to have as much therapy when you get out. I am so happy,I know you will pull through for all of us. Your such a great friend.
I love ya lots, STAY STRONG!
Those furry boots are also to help so when your legs so when they are deterating, your feet don't go flat agaisnt the bed causing Foot drop.
Foot drop is caused by weakness or paralysis of the muscles involved in lifting the front part of the foot. The underlying causes of foot drop are varied and may include:
Thanks for reading and showing your support!
The answers are:
I kinda did see the light but in a different way then you would think.
Part of my dream there was a flood and I was in this water falling further down, with broken glass, wood, bodies, everything floating in it. And I was about to take my last breath, but then this person or thing saved me and as I was being pulled out of the water I seen a bright light above me.
How was it? ...
Well let me tell you it was the most horrible thing in the world, your stuck in an awful dream that you cannot get out of and at the time you don't know why. Everything in your dreams are so real. I was tortured, cut up, people drugged me, tied me down, I seen family and friends get killed right in front of my eyes (every time they were trying to save me), trust me things you never would want to even imagine, the worst nightmares ever that all seem real and lucid.
(the nurses did say part of the dreams were reality being pushed together and my mind perceiving them differently)
Anyways on with the story...as what I have pieced together. Like I said it might not all be word for word.
Saturday Feb. 2, after I had Sage I was put in the ICU, I was fine and awake again on Sunday. I was writing to people. but then at about 4pm that evening is when everything went for the worst. I was loosing too much oxygen so I was put in a drug induced coma because I couldn't breathe on my own. (ventilator) Also I was put on full life support.
Here are some letters from a person that is very close to me....
1 Feb 4
Shereen,
I know you are in the hospital right now, but I wanted to write you a letter telling you how much I appreciate you as my friend. The past couple of months we have grown alot closer and I am so glad. I am so happy I got to be apart of sages blessing into the world. I am also so happy for you to be a new mommy. I know you will be great, you are such a great person and I am so sorry I questioned alot about you before. I don't know what I would do without you. Please pull through this, I will help you with anything you need. I want you to know that.... You are in mine and many other peoples prayers... And I know god is also watching over you too. So I want you to know you are a best friend I could ever ask for I don't want to lose you. I love you, and I'm sorry it came down to whats been going on for me to say it, its just that we have just starting becoming the best friends that we knew we could have.. Well I will see you in the morning. Please stay strong.
Love you,
2 Feb 11
Hey sweety,
well you have been in the intensive care unit for 8 days now, but all is going a little better. I visited you today and you were looking alot better. They are going to stick a feeding tube in today so hopefully you won't be sooo starving. I just want to let you know that I am so happy you are strong and want to pull through. For a couple days we didn't think you were going to make it. You were so sick, you are still sick but not like you were. Well you are getting better day by day. I hope you know this is a big reality check, I love you alot, I realized that you are one of my best friends and I don't know what I would do with out you. You are a great person and will be a great mother. I never want to lose you as a friend and I cherish everything you have done for me as well. Its looking better and I cant wait until you can come home. Well keep up the good work and you will out of there in no time.
Love always,
ps. You have a lot of support behind you, alot more than you thought!
In between the next letter I ended up getting A.R.D.S.
Acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS) acute respiratory distress syndrome, is a lung condition that leads to low oxygen levels in the blood.. Inciting events include: Trauma, sepsis, aspiration (fluid entering the lungs) <--- (which was caused by the step pneumonia) ARDS in a nut shell....Too much fluid is leaked into the lungs causing them to collapse and fail.
The I ended up getting Sepsis, which is very normal for a person with A.R.D.S.
Sepsis is a condition in which the body is fighting a severe infection that has spread via the bloodstream. If a patient becomes "septic," they will likely be in a state of low blood pressure termed "shock." This condition can develop either as a result of the body's own defense system or from toxic substances made by the infecting agent (such as a bacteria (strep pneumonia) <---, virus, or fungus).
Somewhere in between here they ended up having to turn me on my stomach for about two weeks. They did this to get the fluid out of my lungs in places they could not so I could get my oxygen on the ventilator. (When they did this they also knew there would be long term consequences to this, but the state I was in it was this or death)
At times I dropped to 20% oxygen, which is brain damage level. My body was a mess from the infections. My blood pressure was always too low, and the doctors were fighting to keep the Sepsis from getting to my kidney.
3 Feb 20
Well today is 17, you have been on life support for 2 1/2 weeks. We are all praying and hope you come out of this. You were tooken off the paralytic yesterday and have done pretty good tolerating it. I hope you know that I have been dealing with everyone trying to get temporary custody of Sage. As far as I would think you would want me to have him but I'm soo sorry I am pretty much screwed. I have no chance because I'm not blood and I am nothing. I don't want to stress you out. I will get him in time when they actually acknowledge that Jason is the father. But don't worry all will work out when you get out. Yesterday we had meeting with the doctor for the 1st time. He told us the overview on what happened with your body. He said most cases with ards(acute respiratory distress syndrome) have a 60% chance of living. I have faith in you and know you are such a strong person. Just seeing you open your eyes will make me the happiest person alive. I love you so much PLEASE STAY STRONG!
Love your bestest friend,
4 Feb 21
Hey hun,
I just wanted to let you know that kami and I went to see you tonight its Thursday the 21st and you have been in there for 19 days. You have been off the paralytic for almost 3 days now. I have so much hope for you. Tonight you tried to move your eyes which made me so happy. I know you were listening to me I could just tell. You were wearing some weird furry boots, I guess they help so you don't have to have as much therapy when you get out. I am so happy,I know you will pull through for all of us. Your such a great friend.
I love ya lots, STAY STRONG!
Those furry boots are also to help so when your legs so when they are deterating, your feet don't go flat agaisnt the bed causing Foot drop.
Foot drop is caused by weakness or paralysis of the muscles involved in lifting the front part of the foot. The underlying causes of foot drop are varied and may include:
- Nerve injury. The most common cause of foot drop is compression of the nerve that controls the muscles involved in lifting the foot. This can happen at the knee or in the lower spine.
Thanks for reading and showing your support!
START Part 1- The first day of the rest of my life.
So I'm ready to try and explain it now....
I will be posting blogs if anyone wants to read....This is not made up or taken out of context in any way. Some of the info might not be exactly the right info. At times I was not completely coherent, the other details will be what I was told or have read. I feel that this is my only way to get away from the emotions out, I have because of the Coma.
Thanks for reading or the lack of reading...
It all started out two weeks prior to this day Feb 2nd, 2008 I had been sick. Some of you know that normally its not a big deal because I'm Always sick, but this wouldn't go away. A week later I drove myself to the ER. when I got there they said they were going to get an Influenza test.
Influenza- commonly called "the flu," is an illness caused by viruses that infect the respiratory tract. <---- Compared with most other viral respiratory infections, such as the common cold, influenza (flu) infection often causes a more severe illness with a mortality rate (death rate) of about 0.1% of people who are infected with the virus.
So they did the test and I had Influenza, but my symptoms were not matching what Influenza symptoms were. They gave me antibiotics and some pain medication and sent me on my way. I told them my chest was hurting and I was having a hard time breathing. they told me I was fine and I was just feeling the pain of normal pregnancy with the baby pushing on my ribs. I agreed but this did not settle well with me, I knew something was wrong.
As the week went by I was so sick I couldn't move, I laid in bed for two days getting sicker and sicker and the antibiotics weren't working. I started not being able to hold down my food or even water. I told my doctor and he said maybe I was just having morning sickness again. At this point, I was so sick I just slept and didn't do anything I remember telling close friends "I feel so sick, I feel like I'm dying", well little did I know at that point I slowly was.
Friday the 2nd My doctor and I agreed that I would be induced after much crazy screaming and crazy behavior telling him I would die if he didn't. About 5 hours after that I was in labor, This was one of the happiest days of my life. I'm going to finally have my son and be able to provide for us and go home and everything would be fine.....
It took me about 9 hours to have Sage. I was on oxygen at this point. When I had Sage, him and I both had temps, the doctors and nurses watched us a bit and Sage seemed to be fine.
About 12 hours after having Sage I asked a nurse to come in a please take him because I was so tired. She insisted on me keeping him in my room, Telling me everything was fine. She then did her stats on me and they were not good. I still had a temp, and when she tried to get me up to go to the bathroom I almost fell down. She then said, she was taking Sage away to make sure I got more rest. At that point I was told I was going to be held until that following Monday.
I went to sleep and woke up puking and spitting up reddish, brownish chunks of mucus. I kept asking what was wrong, the nurses told me everything was fine.
All I remember at this point was, they put me in a room across from the nurses station and wheeled me down for an X-ray. I remember them having to hold me up. When I got back to the room they told me I had strep pneumonia.
strep pneumonia- will spread into other parts of the body and cause diseases, including (sinus infections) and pneumonia (lung infections). <--S. pneumoniae can sometimes get into places in the body that are normally sterile (free of bacteria) including the blood, causing bacteremia. When pneumococci get into these sterile places in the body, it is called "invasive" disease. Invasive pneumococcal infections can result in serious complications or death.
In fact I had Bilateral (meaning both lungs) were covered with it....The Doctor told me they were taking me to the ICU, I didn't think anything of it at this point because I was already at 80% Oxygen and wasn't thinking clearly. (Oddly enough I called everyone and told them I was going to the ICU, I don't remember this, but this is how most found out) So I was rushed up to the ICU on oxygen. I vaguely remember them yelling and screaming and telling me to keep the mask on, I kept thinking in my head, "Whats wrong with these people, I'm okay I'm fine, I'll just get up and walk away and go home right now." Well stubborn me kept trying to take the mask off and go home, so they eventually poked me a couple times and I was gone....unconscious.
I will be posting blogs if anyone wants to read....This is not made up or taken out of context in any way. Some of the info might not be exactly the right info. At times I was not completely coherent, the other details will be what I was told or have read. I feel that this is my only way to get away from the emotions out, I have because of the Coma.
Thanks for reading or the lack of reading...
It all started out two weeks prior to this day Feb 2nd, 2008 I had been sick. Some of you know that normally its not a big deal because I'm Always sick, but this wouldn't go away. A week later I drove myself to the ER. when I got there they said they were going to get an Influenza test.
Influenza- commonly called "the flu," is an illness caused by viruses that infect the respiratory tract. <---- Compared with most other viral respiratory infections, such as the common cold, influenza (flu) infection often causes a more severe illness with a mortality rate (death rate) of about 0.1% of people who are infected with the virus.
So they did the test and I had Influenza, but my symptoms were not matching what Influenza symptoms were. They gave me antibiotics and some pain medication and sent me on my way. I told them my chest was hurting and I was having a hard time breathing. they told me I was fine and I was just feeling the pain of normal pregnancy with the baby pushing on my ribs. I agreed but this did not settle well with me, I knew something was wrong.
As the week went by I was so sick I couldn't move, I laid in bed for two days getting sicker and sicker and the antibiotics weren't working. I started not being able to hold down my food or even water. I told my doctor and he said maybe I was just having morning sickness again. At this point, I was so sick I just slept and didn't do anything I remember telling close friends "I feel so sick, I feel like I'm dying", well little did I know at that point I slowly was.
Friday the 2nd My doctor and I agreed that I would be induced after much crazy screaming and crazy behavior telling him I would die if he didn't. About 5 hours after that I was in labor, This was one of the happiest days of my life. I'm going to finally have my son and be able to provide for us and go home and everything would be fine.....
It took me about 9 hours to have Sage. I was on oxygen at this point. When I had Sage, him and I both had temps, the doctors and nurses watched us a bit and Sage seemed to be fine.
About 12 hours after having Sage I asked a nurse to come in a please take him because I was so tired. She insisted on me keeping him in my room, Telling me everything was fine. She then did her stats on me and they were not good. I still had a temp, and when she tried to get me up to go to the bathroom I almost fell down. She then said, she was taking Sage away to make sure I got more rest. At that point I was told I was going to be held until that following Monday.
I went to sleep and woke up puking and spitting up reddish, brownish chunks of mucus. I kept asking what was wrong, the nurses told me everything was fine.
All I remember at this point was, they put me in a room across from the nurses station and wheeled me down for an X-ray. I remember them having to hold me up. When I got back to the room they told me I had strep pneumonia.
strep pneumonia- will spread into other parts of the body and cause diseases, including (sinus infections) and pneumonia (lung infections). <--S. pneumoniae can sometimes get into places in the body that are normally sterile (free of bacteria) including the blood, causing bacteremia. When pneumococci get into these sterile places in the body, it is called "invasive" disease. Invasive pneumococcal infections can result in serious complications or death.
In fact I had Bilateral (meaning both lungs) were covered with it....The Doctor told me they were taking me to the ICU, I didn't think anything of it at this point because I was already at 80% Oxygen and wasn't thinking clearly. (Oddly enough I called everyone and told them I was going to the ICU, I don't remember this, but this is how most found out) So I was rushed up to the ICU on oxygen. I vaguely remember them yelling and screaming and telling me to keep the mask on, I kept thinking in my head, "Whats wrong with these people, I'm okay I'm fine, I'll just get up and walk away and go home right now." Well stubborn me kept trying to take the mask off and go home, so they eventually poked me a couple times and I was gone....unconscious.
I hate everything!
Well, today is going to be long...
It's that day where I don't want anyone to talk to me because I'm too depressed, sad, emotional and think no one gives a shit. I wanna crawl into a ball and cry myself to death if that's possible. Happens all to often. Today is one of those days I feel like it isn't even worth living :/ These are the times I need anyone to acknowledge me even God himself. Contradiction I know.
THIS EXPLAINS TODAY
Anger and depression stage
It's that day where I don't want anyone to talk to me because I'm too depressed, sad, emotional and think no one gives a shit. I wanna crawl into a ball and cry myself to death if that's possible. Happens all to often. Today is one of those days I feel like it isn't even worth living :/ These are the times I need anyone to acknowledge me even God himself. Contradiction I know.
THIS EXPLAINS TODAY
Anger and depression stage
Denial is a very common
problem, but eventually it breaks down. Head injury problems just don't go away.
The same problems happen over and over and over again. This leads to the next
phase, in which the person has a limited awareness of the head injury, beginning
what I call the depression/anger phase. When you realize you are different and
can't do things like you used to, you may become angry or depressed. In many
ways, anger and depression share a lot in common. Some people think of
depression as anger at oneself, a kind of anger turned inward. A lot of people
who are depressed will say to themselves, "I'm a failure. I can't do this.
I'm no good." On the other hand, people who are struggling to deal with the
vast changes produced by a head injury may get angry at people around them. They
may see people as not being supportive of them or not understanding their head
injury. Some of this anger may also be due to the head injury. They'll notice
that this anger comes on extremely quickly and also goes away just as quickly.
That's due to the head injury. The sections of the brain that control those
emotions have been injured.
Not all of this anger or
depression is due to physical changes in the brain. Instead, we're talking about
an emotional way of coping with things. Virtually all people who go through a
serious illness or injury will have some anger and depression. If it is a car
accident, they may be angry at the person who ran into them. They may be angry
at themselves for getting into an accident. Sometimes it is justified, such as
in a case where a person has been drinking and driving, resulting in a head
injury. Sometimes they unreasonably blame themselves--"If I had only left my
house five minutes later or five minutes earlier, I wouldn't be in this
mess." There was no way of knowing that an accident would happen. When we
have difficulty dealing with overwhelming situations, we often go back and blame
ourselves. That's a very common reaction. Many religious people become angry at
God--Why would God want me to suffer? They may question their faith, or
wonder why God is so vindictive. Just about everybody goes through this cycling
pattern, becoming depressed or angry. This can go back and forth; some people
never move on to the next phase.
PRESENTLY
I'm going to back track a bit to NOW....because I can't wait! I have found some information about FRONTAL LOBE BRAIN DAMAGE.
Most people don't realize this,but this part of the brain has a lot to do with everyday life.
This is what hit me pretty hard I had to share. I have been researching why I have such low self esteem after the coma. None of you know this and this is very VULNERABLE INFORMATION, but yes I have VERY LOW SELF WORTH or ESTEEM.
Been reading this thing called, " Understanding how the brain works," I think everyone should read it just to understand in general how it works. If you want to read it here http://www.tbiguide.com/howbrainworks.html I am going to pick out some things that I deal with on a daily basis, or weekly basis. The Pink wording is what I think applies mostly to me.
<><><><><><>
<><><><><><>
Most people don't realize this,but this part of the brain has a lot to do with everyday life.
This is what hit me pretty hard I had to share. I have been researching why I have such low self esteem after the coma. None of you know this and this is very VULNERABLE INFORMATION, but yes I have VERY LOW SELF WORTH or ESTEEM.
Been reading this thing called, " Understanding how the brain works," I think everyone should read it just to understand in general how it works. If you want to read it here http://www.tbiguide.com/howbrainworks.html I am going to pick out some things that I deal with on a daily basis, or weekly basis. The Pink wording is what I think applies mostly to me.
WORD-FINDING
Word-finding is a common,
and often annoying, problem. Almost every head-injured person has this problem
to some degree. Head-injured people may talk normally; speech flows evenly and
it's easy to understand. But they'll have this very odd problem--they'll know
the word they want to say but just can't come up with it. Professionals call
this "anomia," which means "can't name". Everyone has an occasional anomia;
those with a head injury have it frequently. It is particularly annoying if you
are dealing with people all day long. For example, it will stand out if you've
got to give a lecture to 100 people and you stumble over words. You develop poor
self-esteem because you're just not sure of what you're saying anymore. A
variation on this problem is that you say the wrong word. Instead of saying,
"pass me the spoon", you might say "pass me the noon." Or, instead of using a
similar sounding word, you may use an entirely wrong word. Instead of "pass me
the spoon," you may say, "pass me the car." You may not even recognize that you
said the wrong word until people point it out to you.
(This tends to bug the SHIT of of me especially when people notice)
FRONTAL
LOBES--Planning, Organizing, Controlling
The biggest and most
advanced part of the brain is the frontal lobe. (It's called the frontal
lobe because it's in the front part of brain.) One job of the frontal lobe is
planning. You have probably heard of "frontal lobotomies." At the turn of the
century, this surgery was done on people who were very violent or who were in a
psychiatric hospital because they were very agitated. Doctors used surgery to
damage this area of the brain. Following this surgery, people became very
passive and less violent. At first, scientists saw this as a great thing.
Neurosurgery could stop behavioral problems such as violence. The problem was
that the patients stopped doing a lot of other things. They didn't take care of
themselves and they stopped many activities of daily living. They basically sat
there. In head injury, individuals with frontal lobe impairment seem to lack
motivation and have difficulty doing any task that requires multiple steps
(e.g., fixing a car or planning a meal). They have problems with
planning.
The frontal lobe is also
involved in organizing. For a lot of activities, we need to do step A, then step
B, then step C. We have to do things in order. That's what the frontal lobes
help us do. When the frontal lobe is injured, there is a breakdown in the
ability to sequence and organize. A common example is people who cook and leave
out a step in the sequence. They forget to add an important ingredient or they
don't turn the stove off. I've met a lot of patients who've burned or melted a
lot of pans. (Yes, even I burn things now and leave steps out and have even ruined whole dinners)
Additionally, the frontal
lobes also play a very important role in controlling emotions. Deep in the
middle of the brain are sections that control emotions. They're very primitive
emotions that deal with hunger, aggression, and sexual drive. These areas send
messages to other parts of the brain to DO SOMETHING. If you're mad, hit
something or someone. If you're hungry, grab something and eat it. The frontal
lobes "manage" emotions. In general, the frontal lobe has a NO or STOP function.
If your emotions tell you to punch your boss, it's the frontal lobes that say
"STOP or you are going to lose your job." People have often said to me "a
little thing will set me off and I'm really mad." The frontal lobes failed
to stop or turn off the emotional system.
On the other hand, we have
talked about how the frontal lobes plan activities. The frontal lobes may fail
to plan for some types of emotion. For example, sexual interest involves some
level of planning or preparation. Without this planning, there is a lack of
sexual interest. A lack of planning can also affect the expression of anger.
I've had some family members say "You know, the head injury actually improved
him, he's not such a hot-head anymore." If you listen very carefully, you're
also going to hear "he's not as motivated anymore." Remember, the frontal
lobe plans activities as well as controls emotions. (Will add more on a later note)
FYI: I will be very random and jump around. I will TRY my HARDEST to STAY on the TIMELINE I told you, however I might derail too.)
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Monday, January 23, 2012
First off I want to start from the START of course, this will take days to write so I will put it into PARTS..example: Part 1, Part 2...ect. This will be a compile of the last 4 yrs of my life and hopefully continue to be my outlet of my everyday struggles, feelings, emotional outbursts, surrounding the coma.
For all who read:
P.S. Thank God for spell check!!
- I don't want anything negative here.
- This is my place to say what I want.
- Deal with what I want to deal with.
- Show people that they aren't alone.
- Show support towards one another.
P.S. Thank God for spell check!!
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