Why? What? Who?

Some of you definitely think I'm nuts and that is fine by me :)


I am getting calls, messages, and facebook comments to why I am acting this way.  I have thought about it and honestly, THIS IS HOW I HAVE BEEN THE PAST 4 YEARS, I just didn't let anyone see this behavior.  I have tried to act how and what everyone wants.  Well I am done! I'm done being stuck in this sad, lonely, place I call my life where no one knows what I battle every day.  I have a smile on my face but my soul is dying.  I'd rather be this way and get better then to keep it all in and have people around who only want to be around when I'm "happy all the time." I FEEL like I'll talk it about it all I want and if you don't like that family or not then don't talk to me. I will get better, and I'm realizing I will find out who my true friends are.  Not to mention when did I ever become this person that cared about negative people or comments.  Just to remember this blog is for me to get my feelings out. I would like people to try and understand me before they judge me and tell me they think I'm acting crazy.  I am sharing this with the whole world and yeah there are haters.  Most people I know now don't even know any of this ever happened.  I'm tired fo living a secret life.  This fits:  You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink.


A good friend called me last night and we talked for hours.  He said I am missing something and I've given up and he was right I did give up on everything. It was nice to get a call and have someone say what the hell are you doing giving up?  That isn't you!   Today I feel better because I got some sleep and no scary nightmares.  I slept through the night and that is God's blessing.  The night before I was up all night because I kept having a dream where someone was gonna kill me.  I woke up many times asking God to please get it out of my head.  Anyways, lack of sleep can make issues worse.  Oh right that missing something...it's called HOPE. 


I now have HOPE that I will get better.  I'm surprised that I am also getting emails, and messages from people saying its inspiring to them.  I'm glad I can reach to people like that.  I would love to inspire people who are going through this as well or who have been through it.  One day when I'm ready I will go on the board of TBI  (Tramatic Brain Injury) and be an advocate for us all. 


Thank you for the support and thank you for reading!  Like I have said in the past it will be kinda random.  For those who don't know what to say it is okay just show your support in following.  I don't expect you to know how I feel personally. 

If I am defining everything out and doing research online then read it, it might help you understand, I even put the stuff that is me in PINK in those blogs, and the meanings in pink.  Or important stuff.