Part 3 - The first day of the rest of my life--Waking

So of course I made it, I'm here.....

I remember waking up to a man who I thought was named Pablo (not his real name) and a girl (unknown).  He asked if I wanted to tell him something.  He told me to look at him.  He told me to try and focus on him.  I remember being so weak my head bobbed around and I could barley focus on his face.  I remember being in a chair.  I told him, "I have a knife under my pillow,"  He didn't respond.  I then got upset because he asked if there was anything I wanted, "Of course I wanted veggies and a huge steak!"  I was so upset that I started to cry.  I then had another series of random odd dreams..

I had disgusting nightmares that I thought were real. The worst one I had was, this devil girl who always had spiders that followed her. She put posters up, like a game. Read the signs to find my baby. Yes, even in the coma dreams I somehow knew I had a baby. Anyways, I find Sage in the freezer frozen to death. I was devastated. My memory then skips to this cat they had that was white and when I looked down it had blood all over it, guess what it was eating? Yes, horrible! Those images and nightmares are stuck in my head like memories from yesterday. I guess no surprise I have nightmares that are very real now.  .

What really happened...

The man did show up in my room,but him and the girl were physical therapists. They had put me in a chair and started pt.  I was awake and up before my brain caught on.  While reading my records, it scared me to death.  There were notes saying, "Patient would stare at the corner of the room and scream help me!"  "Patient looks very frightened and is crying."  So just to clarify, I was awake, but non responsive, Eyes open, staring straight.

So my first memory of waking up is very hard to explain.  I think i was so drugged I didn't even realize I was in an ICU or really cared honestly.  It's when they started weaning me off things is when I realized where I was.  I had the tracheotomy in my neck so at that point I would cry without sound, and I couldn't talk with the hole there. 

I only remember most of my hallucinations.  There was a bulldog that always ran though my room, I little Army with horses that walked on my blankets, a guy who sat on the right side with the damn light on all night, a mannequin head near the mirror, and a door behind my bed with a classroom. 

This is embarrassing, But I remember trying to tell them I needed to go poo and shitting myself.  ( I couldn't talk still ) I cried the whole night feeling embarrassed.  The awful hallucinations started and I was in a cement room, cold, dark, and spiders started dropping on me one by one.  I tried to scream, but I couldn't all I could do is cry myself to sleep.  another horrible moment!

One of the best memories I remember is my Dad (my uncle) who loved me unconditional and took me as his own.  Well  I opened my eyes to see him standing over my bed, and his blue eyes filled with tears.  He said, " He was so happy to see me open my eyes and recognize him."  I later said, " Aw you cried."  He said, "He had something in his eyes."  lol hard ass he was.  I  miss you Dad, thank you for being there in my memories....

Well, again a lot to write... Sorry another blog for this.  Part 4 soon.  Thanks for the support everyone.  These last blogs after the coma are seriously the hardest for me.  I never wanted to have to go back to them and when I do it scares me.  Maybe good to talk about it??