Part-4 Continued....Waking.

Still in the ICU just to clairify.  I know most of the time I was crying asking everyday, every hour, "Why am I here?"  I then flashed back to when I was pregnant.  I was so scared and didn't know if I'd be a good mother.  I had a mother, but she's more like a baby holder.  Anyways, I have lived with the guilt of asking God everyday when I was pregnant to spare the baby, but please let me die somehow.  I know that's so disgusting of me, but it did almost happen.  A life lesson?  A fluke?  Who knows if it was me asking and getting a reality check.  All I know now is, I get it off my chest and I don't have to deal with it everyday feeling horrible.  I don't want this EVER used against me...

The nurse would then explain why I was at the hospital.  I remember crying all the time just wanting my baby.  I remember being so upset when people left and how bad I felt when I was all alone.  I'm sure this is how my co-dependency with family or friends started.  Before the coma I was never like that, I was actually very cold and didn't need anyone.  once I cut the ties they were dead to me., but not now I hold on a little too much.  Wow this blog is all over and hard to write.

Back to a few other nightmares I had when I had coma dreams.  The one I remember like it happened yesterday was about my twin sister. For so reason robots were making this dome like structure because it was raining and wouldn't stop.  So they gathered everyone together to watch how the dome worked and it was a test.  It was going to save us all from the flood.  So for some reason I was near the dome and so was my twin.  They pushed the buttons to close the dome and she was helping for some reason.  I screamed,  "She is still in there", but they couldn't stop it because they hadn't made a button for that.  She tried to swim to the open.  The dome then started to fill up with water.  I stood there screaming and crying that someone had to help her.  I knew I couldn't lose her.  As the water filled she began to run out of oxygen she swam to the bottom where I was mouthing to me, "Please help me."  It was too late I couldn't.  She ended up drowning in front of me with her sad blues eyes starting at me.  I was devastated,  I feel to the ground and couldn't believe she was gone.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  I was scared to lose her. 
(And then some other random stuff happened....like I married Miley Cyrus's brother that I didn't even know she had. Who put Miley Cyrus on tv when I was awake, but not responsive?0

Back to serious....This would probably explain to why to this day I try to be close to her only to get treated like dirt and she has no respect for me.  I was so devastated to lose her then and now in reality I still am.  I have lost her, she doesn't really care how I feel or what I have been through.  In her own words, "The point is I'm sick of u acting like ur life is over because u went through a TRIAL in your life. things happen for a reason to wake u up from where u were before u went through ur coma."  This is the support I get from her.  Yes, I keep it all just to see of it has changed.  This is matters why?  Because it is all I feel like I have family, and a few good friends.  I will never understand why I am trash to her.  When we were kids I took most of the beatings for her because I knew she wouldn't and couldn't handle it.  I know to this day I was right, she can't even admit it really happened.  Even at a young age she had some kind of hate for me.  I have never tried to compete, but with her that's life- alway a COMPETITION.  I'll move on eventually... She has.  The past has no affect with me when it comes to her, but the present is just like the past so my opinion has never changed.  Yet again another person who, if the table was turned I'd never leave and I'd be there no matter what because that is what family is for!
TRIAL is the worse word to use. 
Trial-

test; proof.

My God doesn't make me go through hell to test me.  There is a better way of saying this, but I don't how to at the moment.

Everyone was so supportive when I woke up and couldn't move.  I feel like some even faked it along the way to look like good, loving, caring, family members. 

My point to all this bad order of information is trying to get the bits and pieces out of my head. I'm telling myself once I put it here I need to get rid of all the bad feelings and emotions.  I also might be avoiding the cold hard truth...