Part 5 - Waking and more hurts....

I have been thinking this for days, "Where have these self issues come from?"  It's hard to write the parts that are emotional and hard to share with the whole world my raw emotions, that even I don't like to think about.

The truth is....
I was hurting so much I couldn't even understand what was happening.  In my head I knew I had a baby, but I couldn't feel the love I had for him.  I didn't know what to do with him, but how would I?  I never had the time to have motherly instincts after what had happened. 

And like my baby at the time, I couldn't feel love for those people who I loved dearly. The few I couldn't even imagine living without.  Everyone suffered who was around.  One was the one, I call my Dad, Christina the one I have known for years, and Jason.  It was very hard for me to understand why I could feel this pain in my heart that made me want to go back into a coma, but I couldn't feel normal feelings? 

Being a mother myself I would assume if your child was nearly dead and the doctors where even saying they didn't know if they could save your child you would have a reaction.  You would try anything and everything to try and be with your daughter.  In all fairness my mother was on the "do not contact list," however she didn't make any attempt to even see me until I was barley living.  When I woke she was the mother I had always wanted, The one I cried with.  I one who rubbed my head and told me, "everything will be okay, I love you and will here if ever need me." I thought I was over this to this day, but I guess not because the tears are streaming.  The last time I cried over my mother was when I first learned to walk.  I was so proud of myself that I could take ONE STEP with someone holding me.  It was one of the biggest accomplishments I ever made.

BACK TO THE WHAT HAPPENED:

So, they had to start physical therapy.  I can say it by far the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.  I screamed for days in pain and cried.  At first I think the doctors and nurses thought maybe I was addicted to the drugs and I was having with drawls?  I got the impression that they didn't believe me.  They had started to ween me off the meds.  At this point I learned how to swallow normal, so I could get a purple thing that screws into the Tracheotomy that I can breath in, but stops the air so I can talk.  The pain was so bad when they would make me walk, I couldn't even put weight on my left foot.  They did many CAT scans and MRI's.  This is when I learned I was claustrophobic.  I had a 2 hour Scan on my back, they were trying to pin point what was causing this unknown pain.  As soon as I got put into the machine I started to panic, I dropped the call button and started screaming for them to let me out.  They wouldn't because I only had 10 mins or so.  It was horrifying.  I understand why they would do that, but on the flip side its horrible for someone to be that scared and feel tortured.  Some of this might not seem bad, but when your on meds that play tricks and make you hallucinate, you have no control, its very terrifying. 

This is by far another thing that broke me down.  For physical therapy they do this thing where one person forces you to stand up by holding you in place and another stands behind to catch you.  I was very upset and got very depressed saying, "I don't want to stand up."  Begging them to please not make me hurt more.  I was screaming, crying, and begging to let me sit down.  He said, "No"  and it wasn't until the nurses came running in and said my heart was near 200 beats per min and I'd have a heart attack if he didn't stop.  Oh but he wasn't done, I had to sit down until my heart rate was about normal for me at that time was in the 120's.  Then I'd have to endure this excruciating pain again, and again, and again.  Ten times that day.  At these points I became very angry and hated everyone.  I finally had seen the world for what it was.  Because they didn't know about my foot they made me do these things and made me walk on it even though I couldn't.  I know they were helping, but it had some emotional affects I didn't realize until now. I blocked these memories out for a reason.

I got to the point, I was very sad inside and broken.  I'd curl in a ball at night and cry myself to sleep.  It was very hard for me to understand why?  The nights were the worst, I missed everyone.  It was when I felt alone the most.  These were the times I had started to develop issues with being alone.  I was so alone in my coma dreams.  I tried to stay up all night because the nightmares continued, until they gave me meds to sleep.  You don't get better without sleep.

Right at this moment, I feel exhausted.  My emotions feel raw and picked at.  I knew this was going to be hard, but not this hard.  I know it is by choice.

Thank you for showing support and following.  I am inspired to get better, it gives me a form of accomplishment that I can reach out to others.  That was my plan to feel like I'm more than just this number out of billions.  Surprisingly this blog gets 50- 100 hits daily.  Sure there is someone who is worse off, but this is my life story, and I intend to help others someday because of it.  Thanks again.